Rona's Wedding Thoughts

A Few Precious Images

2008-10-05T08:17:00.000-07:00

Sadly, I don't have very many wedding photos right now, as our photographer is still editing the (undoubtedly) thousands of pictures he and his wife snapped that day, and while I totally understand that I have been jonesing for some photos to help me relive our big day. So here are a few (unfortunately low resolution) images to tide me over 'til we get the 'real' ones that we paid for. Enjoy!

This is H. and I sitting during the ceremony, not sure which part. That's his father in the background (everyone who hadn't met H.'s father before was saying how much they look alike. I think it's cute and says a lot about the power of parenting that H. loves to wear hats like his dad too!)

My friends at CFJ wanted to see my shoes! My co-worker C. is especially a big shoe-diva.

This is me with friend Yvonne, who took these photos. Thanks Yvonne!

(Nearly) At the End of One Long Road...

2008-10-03T06:11:00.000-07:00

So as you've probably figured out by now if you can read that countdown meter to the left, the wedding has come and gone. If I sound a little down or sad about it, I am a little. I think I'm experiencing a bit of post-event depression, a phenomenon explained to me by the first event planner extraordinaire that I'd ever worked with, Ali Vogt, who has organized countless fundraising events, conferences and other special days for nonprofits in the Bay Area. Basically, once a big event is over, one that you've spent your life working on for the past several months or more, you feel kind of depressed because the one big exciting thing that was stressing you out and getting you up every day and injecting all this fun and adrenaline into your daily life is, well, over.

The wedding itself was beautiful and amazing and definitely fun. It was so cool to look out from where we stood in the middle of the audience at the wedding chapel--it's a round structure with the altar on a raised dais in the middle...

and when we stood in the middle and looked out a the small sea of familiar faces, some not seen for years, of family, friends, colleagues, etc. it was really moving and beautiful. Same thing when we were at the wedding reception and I looked out at all the people we love in our lives, sitting together and eating and laughing and drinking and having a great time. That, for me, was one of the best parts of the wedding. Just being able to bring folks together like that is one of the reason people seem to love weddings so much! More than one of my friends called it a reunion, because they got to see so many people from college or wherever for the first time in a long while.

Of course, there were things that didn't go well or as I wanted. I didn't get to take portraits with my bridesmaids because H. hadn't communicated to our friend who was helping the photographer organize people what her job was. I'm still sad and emotional about that one--it's not like I can recreate that day and how gorgeous we all looked in our dresses and makeup and hairdos on the fly--but I know I'm going to have to let it go. H. owned up to his part in that fiasco, which I'm grateful for. Our event staffer (whose link I have now removed from my blog) ended up being pretty incompetent--my plate of food at the reception was cold and didn't have any rice on it, and they didn't cut the cake as they'd said they'd do until being prodded by one of my friends, and by then a lot of people had just started going up and cutting the cake themselves! And that was just the tip of the iceberg. The lead event staffer, Gina, was rude to my friends, and had the gall afterwards to tell me that my friends were rude to her! I may have even tried to see her side of things except for the one friend that she had the worst time with, supposedly, happens to be one of the sweetest and least temperamental people I know, which means that Gina must have been pretty awful to work with to get my friend that upset in the first place.

But for the most part my guests at least didn't notice all those little things that weren't happening well. They ate up the lechon (whole Filipino roasted suckling pig), which was a site to behold (I promise to post pictures later), and they enjoyed the slide show and all that. I was surprised and at first a little disappointed that they didn't clink their glasses more than a couple times to get us to kiss, but hey, every wedding has its own character and its own story and i've always thought that glasses-clinking thing was a bit cheesy.

Our friends were great and very helpful. We were so blessed to have such a beautiful and supportive crew of friends working with us. I was also very fortunate to have my two 'Jersey sisters' as they call themselves---my father's daughters whom I met for the first time last year--at the wedding, hanging out with me and helping me with my dress, driving H. and I to the reception, and generally just filling in as needed which was awesome and super-helpful.

And lastly, of course, the actual 'wedding' part--exchanging vows with H. was touching and fun and totally US--we both wrote our own vows and then read a short set of vows at the same time as we exchanged rings. Especially funny was the fact that H. mistakenly started reading my vows at first because our officiant handed him what she thought were his vows (they were mine). We had a funny moment where I stopped him, took my vows gently from his hands, and made a goofy apology to the audience who all laughed good-naturedly. He then read his real vows which were poetic and sensitive and loving and beautiful, just like him. And then I read mine (I have to admit it felt more like a performance in some ways, and H. and I read them again to each other later in private to have that intimate moment alone), and they were funny and telling and passionate, as I think I am.

I can't wait for the photos to come out! Our photographer, Hasain Rasheed, and his assistant and wife, Joanna, were awesome! Ultra-professional but down-to-earth (my mom thought they were friends of ours, that's how easily they blended into the wedding), helpful and totally not invasive, and they snapped pictures constantly, so I expect that we'll have lots of good photos to choose from. It's kinda weird not to have any significant documentation of such a significant day in our lives right afterwards, but we were both expecting to have to wait a while to get photos and video (thanks to our friends A. and B. for putting together video for us!), it's just that I didn't expect to feel so excited and anxious about seeing the photos right afterwards. I'll post some photos as soon as I get them.

Now we just have to finish writing all our thank you notes and dealing with the gift-checks that say "payable to: Mr. and Mrs. Henry Liu' (I'm not changing my name). It's the end of one long road, yes, but the real test, of course, is the long road ahead.

(Probably Not-So) Final Thoughts Before the Big Day

2008-09-20T02:46:00.001-07:00

I didn't think I'd be able to blog one more time before the big, 'real' wedding day, but my unwanted habit/disposition towards being an insomniac the night before a major event I'm coordinating has got me sitting at my laptop at almost 3am after tossing and turning and getting only a few minutes' sleep.

No, I'm not enjoying being awake, but when I can't sleep it usually means I need to get something off my chest or out of my hand or out of my head before I can truly relax, and rest. And on this particularly special and unique night, before I can let go and let other people take care of all the myriad details and planning nuances of one of the most high-profile days of my life.

This 'letting go' is no mean feat for me. I'm a total Type-A, perfectionist, near-workaholic independent, modern woman. I pride myself on getting shit done, on accomplishing things, on checking off all those tasks on my to-do list. This gives me a sense of identity, purpose and responsibility. It makes me feel important. Thus, having friends or others tell me to let go and let them do things for me--as much as intellectually I appreciate their sentiment and generosity--is one of the hardest things for me to do. For what am I if I'm not frantically getting things done and checking off my to-do list? Who am I if I'm just relaxing and not accomplishing? What the hell am I supposed to do--just SIT there?

Well, being the bride is not just about 'sitting there', of course. I have to also look pretty, smile, maybe shed a few sincerely felt tears of happiness, and be gracious to all my guests. I have to be sweet and happy to be holding my partner's hand. I must let go and let others take care of me.

The fact that I am still up at 3am writing this after my wedding party---a beautiful, competent, brilliant lot of friends if there ever was one--told me to leave the reception hall at 10pm tonite so I could rest while they finished up all the preparations tonite, says a lot about my difficulty with letting go. H., my fiance/husband, is fast asleep--he can knock out so quickly it still shocks me. And now I'm worrying about having puffy eyes tomorrow and ruining the awesome job that my esthetician did with my facial the other day, and am SO glad that I got that Bobbi Brown concealer to cover up any dark circles under my peepers.

So yes, letting go is hard for me. I keep obsessing over whether my wedding crew will know which table cloths go on which tables--it's more complicated than it sounds--or over whether I'll have enough time to finish packing my day-bag of goodies (makeup, perfume, extra bobby pins, etc.), or whether I'll forget something important like my vows! All these details have a part of me wondering why H. and I chose to take on this huge wedding task in the first place.

But then I think about how, even tonite at the ceremony rehearsal, my mom started crying when we practiced the parents' blessing. And how the children who helped practice the children's blessing tonite were so excited to be handing us pretend flowers, and how sweet it felt to give them each a hug after they did. And I think about how cool it's going to be to see all our friends and family gathered in one place, how cool it was to see my sisters and my bridesmaids and my mom and my other friends all together tonite at the reception hall for the decorations-making party, hanging out and working together, eating pizza, having fun.

And while that makes me feel better and more excited, unfortunately it only makes my insomnia worse! Because I get so excited about tomorrow (which is now really today), that I feel like a little kid on Christmas Eve who can't get to sleep because Santa Claus is coming.

So I guess it's time to practice some self-parenting and tell myself that Santa won't come if I don't go to sleep. Plus, a bride with puffy, dark bags under her eyes is not a pretty site to behold. Let's hope my vanity gets the best of me, just this one time.

Bridezilla Here I Come!

2008-09-12T22:32:00.001-07:00

I've decided that, in the grand tradition of radical political and cultural activists of color, queer people, etc. who have decided to reclaim the derogatory names that were once used to shame them (e.g. 'fag' or 'dyke' or the N-word), I am going to embrace the title 'Bridezilla'. Not because I think my needs are the only ones that matter on my wedding day--far from it, I've consulted my groom and probably way too many other people about how we should do things and where and why, etc.--but because I truly believe that Bridezilla has come to define and label and target and villify any woman who wants her wedding day to be special, and is willing to go the extra mile to make that happen.

I've already been called 'Bridezilla' by a friend who escalated an argument with me because of a misunderstanding that happened to occur at a particularly stressful period in my wedding planning, when I think I had every right to set a boundary with said friend in order to protect my sanity--in other words, to keep myself from giving in to a request that one person was making without taking into account my needs or my husband-to-be's needs. I've been casually, jokingly called Bridezilla by acquaintances whom I don't think really know how loaded of a word that is, because they asked how the planning was going and I said that I was a bit stressed out about it.

So, damnit, if that's what people are going to define as a 'Bridezilla'--a woman who knows what she wants, and who refuses to let her needs for one of the most important and high-profile days of her life be trampled on by people who can barely know what it feels like to be in her shoes, or a woman who admits to feeling stressed out by the intense work that goes into planning a full-day, 150+ person event--then, yes, I am a Bridezilla! And proud of it.

Really, I'm a Bridezilla in everyday life--a perfectionist, a high-achiever, someone who goes above and beyond the call of duty to perform well for my organization, to help my friends, and to improve my community. But for some reason, when I apply those same standards of excellence and performance to the planning of a day intended to celebrate my relationship with my life partner, all of a sudden I'm a Bridezilla. Odd, isn't it? When I'm doing all those things to help fulfill other people's needs, to take care of the payroll for my staff, or organizing a social justice conference, or what have you, then I'm a fundraising-event-coordination-rock-star-goddess.

But far be it for me to be perfectionist or stressed out about my wedding. Then I'm being a Bridezilla! Is there something wrong with this picture?

So be it then. Bridezillas of the world unite! And I'd lay money on it that there are grooms out there who are just as perfectionistic as their brides about their wedding desires. I know H. has been more picky about certain aspects of the wedding than I have. Funny, though, there's no male equivalent of the word 'Bridezilla' as far as I know.

Kind of reminds me of how there isn't really a good male equivalent for another 'B-word' that we all know and love.

OMG!! Eleven days!

2008-09-09T07:09:00.000-07:00

It seems like the time is going by even faster now that the wedding is so close. Wasn't it just six months out just a few days ago? Now all the things I put off doing because they didn't seem that urgent are coming to bite me in the ass, like the accessories for the Filipino cord and veil ceremony which I really want to make sure we incorporate into the wedding, the only truly 'traditional' part of our otherwise spiritually and ritually eclectic ceremony. I could've bought this stuff months ago, and indeed started looking about a month ago for the veil, but got sidetracked by other, more pressing issues and thus this task got left to the bottom of the barrel. Sigh. I think we found our solution though, thanks to the Silk Road fabric store in downtown Oakland which thankfully has a beautiful selection of wedding-worthy fabrics, and is open 'til 7pm while every other fabric store (besides the kinda trashy and too-craft-oriented Joanne Fabrics in Emeryville) seems to close at 6pm--kinda hard to get to if you actually work for a living from 9-5! We're going to see if our amazing tailor, Isaac from San Francisco Tailors on Geary Blvd. near Union Square, can work his magic for us and hook us up with some finished edges on the poly-blend, embroidered organza we bought.

And I think I'm going to just go ahead and bite the bullet and buy the cord at MyBarong.com, which specializing in Filipino barongs (formalwear for men and women too sometimes) and thankfully has a nice cord for sale for less than $10.

Keep us in your thoughts and prayer and send positive energy our way! I need every bit of it now that we're really down to the wire.

Three Weeks Left!

2008-08-28T22:43:00.000-07:00

I was looking at our wedding web page and saw that we only have 23 days left until the big day! I can't believe it. We're fairly on track with all of our preparations--I gotta say, ordering food for our buffet dinner reception from Chinatown is super-convenient, affordable and fairly hassle-free (so far!)--and I'm picking up my dress next week. I haven't had any major meltdowns, and I've even come up with some potential new career options, learned that putting on makeup can be fun and not ruinous to my skin (more on this in a future blog post hopefully), and realized who my true friends really are.

Not bad side-consequences of planning a big wedding! I even think that maybe someday I'd like to write a book for brides (and maybe even grooms) about how to keep your sanity and stay grounded as you plan your wedding. I feel like most of the books I've seen out there are either just about planning, are satirical or serious etiquette books, or are about how to be happy in your marriage. The book I'd want to write would have elements of all those books, but really be focused on how you can stay true to yourself in your wedding planning, and use the process as an opportunity for self-discovery.

It sounds kinda new-agey and sentimental, but it's really true--I've learned a lot about myself and about H., and about our relationship, over the past year of planning. It's been fun and great at times, and it's been draining and even emotionally painful at other times, but it's always been a revealing process.

Wish us luck--we'll need it as we wind down to the big day!

And the Drama Continues to Unfold...

2008-08-21T22:38:00.000-07:00

The whole wedding guest-list thing is a bit too stressful for me right now. I really wish I could invite everyone and anyone to my wedding, and be able to pay for it and not worry that my Auntie So-and-So who's known me since I was in my mother's belly would have her seat usurped by some random friend-of-a-friend that's crashing the party. Call me old-fashioned, but I really think we need to pay more respect to our elders, and I really think that women who used to change my diapers should get precedence over people whose first names I don't know when it comes to attendance at my wedding.

That said, I'm trying to continue to be gracious and understanding and sympathetic, but it's all a bit trying. The RSVP deadline past three weeks ago and we're still waiting for some people to respond. Sigh. At this point, I'm just assuming people who haven't responded aren't coming. I figure I shouldn't need to chase people down to ask them if they're coming to my wedding. And hey, there's some ledges on the patio outside the reception hall that people can always lean on if they show up un-RSVP'd and we don't have room for them.

Honestly, I can't wait 'til our wedding day. Partially because I want to get all dressed up and pretty and I want to have the big party and I want to see H. in his new suit (I'm not seeing his outfit 'til the ceremony and vice versa) and I want to see all these people from different parts of our lives all in the same room together. And it's partially because i just want all the pre-wedding planning, detail-obsession, weird potential or real friend/family-drama, and stress to be over. Over, over, over! I can see why some women wig out and become so-called 'Bridezillas'. And I think it's also really unfair and sexist to target and label women that way and at the same time put so many expectations on them to have perfect weddings, know and practice good etiquette as if they were born with the text of Miss Manners' books burned into their brains, be gracious and charming and pretty all the time, and be happy every minute that they're engaged or in the process of getting married. Having had a friend imply that I was acting Bridezilla-ish myself, I think it's a totally f**ked-up way to stereotype women who just want to have a nice wedding.

Granted, I haven't watched the TV show and I'm sure there are women who are super over-the-top about their wishes and needs on their wedding day. But I'm far from being a high-maintenance bride myself. I'm not paying thousands of dollars on my wedding gown. I'm doing my own makeup. My bridesmaids' dresses are sort of the same color family but I didn't dictate what they had to wear. And a friend of mine has taken charge of all the decorations with both H. and my blessing and thanks, and we're not micromanaging her at all.

I know I'm not as laid-back about it as some brides I've known, but it also is really interesting to see how much people are unwilling to involve my husband in the process of talking about the wedding, despite the fact that we have a very egalitarian relationship and he's much more involved in wedding planning than many men. I've had people--mostly progressive women of color, too, I might add, who probably consider themselves staunch feminists--ask the most basic questions about our wedding and look straight at me while my husband-to-be stands right next to me, and act like he doesn't exist or at least could never know the answer to a question like, 'What colors are you using for your wedding?' I want to say, "Um, he's getting married too" or "He designed the frickin' invitations!" It's so fascinating and irritating how much people want to focus on the bride.

But enough ranting for now. I think I'm going to give myself a little break tomorrow from doing anything wedding-related. We're on a good roll--H. has really stepped up his game a lot, he's actually in the other room right now scanning old photos for our slideshow at the reception--so I think I deserve a little break. There'll be plenty to do over the weekend!

We're Legal!

2008-08-10T13:41:00.000-07:00

So H. and I had our legal wedding ceremony at the ornate and elegant San Francisco City Hall rotunda this past Wednesday, accompanied only by three of our close friends (who are also in our wedding party). We had a great time, especially watching all the same-sex couples get married. I wanted to take pictures of them more than I wanted to have pictures taken of us, since their weddings are truly historic and represent an important part of the advancement of civil rights in California and in the nation. But alas, it would've been slightly rude and probably way more distracting and irritating than flattering to bother all these couples and ask if we could document their weddings. I did take a picture of one lesbian couple who were by themselves, but only with their camera. I was happy to help!

We decided to do a legal ceremony before the 'real', big-day wedding ceremony for a few reasons: 1) All of our 'real' wedding stuff is happening in the East Bay, and H. is a Frisco native and we wanted to acknowledge his hometown; 2) It seemed really cool to get married in SF City Hall during all this gay marriage hoopla--and it was!; and 3) I'm superstitious and knew that getting married in August was supposed to be good luck according to Chinese tradition because of the number 8 (although we were too late to book 8/8/08 for our City Hall wedding). And although this wasn't one of the reasons we decided to do this smaller legal ceremony first, I am now thankful we did it this way, because the overwhelm of realizing you're married may have been too much to deal with for the first time on my actual wedding day. This way, we get to kind of ease into it a little bit.

We filled out some paperwork, waited in line a lot (although not too long, for the City seems really prepared to churn out weddings like hot cakes these days, and good thing because there were a lot of people getting married that day!), had our witnesses sign our marriage certificate, and then traipsed up to the small antechamber at the top of the grand marble staircase in the City Hall rotunda where marriage ceremonies take place. It was a sweet, romantic and intimate moment that H. and I were very happy to share with our friends A., M. and R. (yeah I know, initials are irritating and mysterious but I'm too paranoid to put people's actual names on here!). And then H. and I went and had a casual but yummy lunch at the Ferry Building, walked around downtown, went to see Wall-E again, then took the ferry back to Oakland, then ended with another nice meal at Breads of India, then dessert at one of my favorite restaurants, B Restaurant, both in Old Oakland.

Here are a few photos from the day. And yes, we were (and are) very very happy. Thanks to all the folks who've sent us their good wishes via Facebook or otherwise. Enjoy!

Filling out paperwork. A cold, bureaucratic process, but necessary. Doing paperwork, ironically, made both H. and I feel more 'serious' about the whole thing I think.

H. walking up the stairway of the rotunda.

On the ferry ride on our way back to Oakland, acting touristy. We asked a real tourist to take our photo.

Ramping Up!

2008-07-23T22:06:00.000-07:00

Things are getting pretty busy with the wedding--less than 60 days to go! We're going to be having our legal ceremony at SF City Hall in a couple weeks, we finalized our decorations plan with our fabulous friends who are putting all that together for us, I've bought both of my dresses (am wearing one for the ceremony, another shorter, danceable one for the reception), bought our wedding bands, and booked our honeymoon tickets to Belize (I'm so excited about this last one, of course!).

I've also been doing lots of internet research, asking friends and playing around with makeup for the wedding, which has taken more time than I thought it would. I'm doing my own makeup, which I'm actually really feeling excited about. I think it's going to be fun, and it's also just been fun to play 'girlie girl' and fool around with colors, products and even to get my first-ever 'makeover' (it was more like a makeup-over-the-top) at Sephora this past weekend. How I made it growing up in my family of fairly feminine women never having done a makeup counter makeover I'll never know (my mom is a cosmetologist).

But alas, all this activity leaves little time for blogging. But it's good for me to touch base again here in the blogosphere about all the madness of wedding planning. It's important for me to write about this stuff. Keeps me sane. So hopefully I'll be back sooner rather than later.

My Fantasy Career: Alternative Wedding Planner!

2008-07-05T09:45:00.000-07:00

I've referred to the gay marriage phenomenon happening currently in California a few times before, and I've realized that this historic moment opens up a whole new sector for the 'bridal' industry (hmm, that name may have to change soon...): gay wedding planning.

I'd already been thinking during the last few months that when I shift over to consulting full-time (sometime in the next couple years after I leave my current job), I'd like to add wedding planning and coordination to the list of services I could provide. I already do fundraising training and consulting, and have done some event planning as both a consultant and a nonprofit staffer. I really like planning events (uh, duh, I started a whole new blog that's basically about my wedding planning!) and I've heard from other folks that I'm pretty good at it. I like dealing with details, figuring out creative solutions to unique problems, and observing and learning about different people's visions and values around special days like weddings, birthdays, anniversaries, etc.

Plus, being the progressive, pro-queer feminist that I really think that the whole gay marriage tidal wave is going to change the institution of marriage. Not in the whole 'man and woman' way, but on a more substantial and systemic level. No doubt, many gay people want to get married because of the institutional (and some say, including I, elitist and pro-capitalist) benefits that marriage provides: protection for your assets, the ability to pass on inherited wealth (aka being able to keep the profits you or your family may have earned by exploiting other people in your family with limited taxation), the formal recognition of your relationship as valid, etc. But at the same time, gay relationships--having had to be radical on many levels the way straight relationships don't have to be--are often inherently subversive, and gay people tend to take pride in that. From gender-bending (who's the Mrs. and the Mr. in a marriage between two men, or two women? or between transgendered people? who's the 'top' and who's the 'bottom' are sometimes more relevant terms to queer folks) and screwing with mainstream society's view of what a 'real man' or 'real woman' should be like, to breaking the serial-monogamy rules and having open or 'complicated' relationships, to accepting sexuality in a full-frontal, often healthier way than straight society deems acceptable, the gay community and therefore gay relationships have the potential to rattle the institution of marriage to its very core.

And I think that's a very, very good thing--not to mention it'll be lots of fun to watch unfold! And what better place to be part of all the brouhaha and excitement than by being a same-sex wedding planner? I'd also, of course, want to be eco-conscious and offer a whole menu of green wedding options. I'm totally serious, people, I want to help gay people have fabulous, enviromentally friendly, well-planned and beautifully executed weddings!

So if you're a gay or lesbian or tranny or whatever couple and you need some help with all the myriad details that having a spectacular nuptial ceremony brings, gimme a holler. I'd love to help you make your wedding dreams come true.

Can I Stay Away From my Spreadsheet?

2008-06-29T15:16:00.000-07:00

I'm at a self-designed writing retreat (meaning, no externally-imposed schedule or structure, meaning I gotta keep myself on task, no mean feat) in the Santa Cruz mountains this weekend, and I'm doing my best at not letting myself spend all the time I have here doing wedding planning. I did take a peek at my wedding workbook in Excel last night (all ten tabs of it! Yes, I am a planning freak!), but I only made a few minor changes to the budget and then I put it away after a few minutes.

It does help that I don't have any internet access in my cabin and therefore can't spend time surfing the web for the perfect pair of shoes--I'm looking for ivory or silver wedge-heel, no-platform, satin heels with open toes if you know of any nice pairs that cost less than $100--or jewelry--something with pearls.

It's a good thing. I need to get my writing done. It feels good too. And when I go back home in a couple days, the wedding and everything that I need to get done for it will still be there, waiting for me.

Coupla More Links

2008-06-23T22:32:00.000-07:00

The semi-closeted, future-fabulous event planner in me stumbled upon this cool blog by Soiree Special Events as I was looking for creative ideas for escort cards. I love the ideas that they and their clients came up with which are featured in the blog. So cute and creative--although the pumpkin one is a little cliche for a Fall wedding. We'll probably do something nature-y but not anything that screams 'Autumn!' even though our wedding is in September. We're trying to be as unique as possible. We're trying to be as eco-friendly as we can with our wedding without totally alienating our family or doubling our budget (don't believe the hype--getting recycled everything isn't always cheaper, as evidenced by the cost of cloth versus paper tablecloths, but we do believe in paying a little bit more so that Mother Earth can be happier).

Speaking of tablecloths, almost definitely going to go with Piedmont Party Rental for our rented tablecloths for the reception. Their customer service so far has been really good--friendly, knowledgable and efficient staff--and their prices are decent. Plus they have a good set of choices for china (aka plates) and silverware, which at some places is just downright ugly. But we're probably going to end up buying our own cake platter, at the suggestion of our reception staff coordinator, since we'll definitely use it again when we have parties in the future.

And with the whole gay marriage thing just exploding over here on the West Coast, I have to say there's a big part of me that wants to become a wedding planner and specialize in gay weddings. How much fun that would be! H. and I were very happy to see our colleagues Carol Cantwell and Rachel Lanzerotti featured in the San Francisco Chronicle this past week. How cute they are! And you can't beat a wedding 'album' complete with a full spread of photos from a major daily! Congrats Carol and Rachel!

Booked! And a New Vendor Link

2008-06-22T09:36:00.000-07:00

So we finally booked our reception event staff, who will pick up the food for our pan-Asian (mostly Chinese and some Filipino and Vietnamese) dinner buffet from Chinatown, set up all the food and the drinks at the venue, and serve and clean up. Awesome!

The vendor is Gina's Party Staffing, a small, woman of color-owned company that I found, bizarrely enough, the old-fashioned way: by calling a number posted on a bulletin board at the Piedmont Grocery. I was attracted to Gina's use of 'diverse staff' on her business card--it's important for H. and I to have an ethnically diverse, culturally competent wait staff who won't be freaked out by the whole suckling roast pig (lechon) we'll have at the reception, or the very diverse (in terms of race, gender, language, sexual orientation, etc.) group of guests we'll have at our wedding. Gina and her crew totally fit the bill, and she's got lots of Filipino friends so the lechon will be no problem!

I vibed with Gina immediately when we talked on the phone, and as I explained in previous posts, that 'realness' that we've found in the vendors that we've chosen to book for our wedding is (wedding vendors take note) extremely important to us. We didn't want to go with a corporate, impersonal staff for our wedding who wouldn't make it feel homey and welcoming and fun. Gina had great referrals and was super-helpful from the get-go. We booked her and her team (we'll have four waitstaff and a bartender as well) the other night and I'm so excited to work with her!

Moving Forward! Getting Sh*t Done!

2008-06-18T07:42:00.000-07:00

So we finally got our invitations out and the wedding web site up--a free thing through TheKnot.com that actually seems to do what we need it to do. And I don't want to jinx it so I won't say we've already booked her but we are meeting with the potential lead event staffer for the reception tomorrow night to make our deposit and sign the contract. We're getting five servers to help with picking up food, setting up the buffet, serving drinks (only beer, wine, soft drinks, water and sparkling cider instead of champagne) and clean up.

And we're really starting in earnest to plan our honeymoon to Belize, which really does seem like one of the most amazing and beautiful places on earth. I swear, the whole country is like a National Park! It's a tiny country, less than 9,000 square miles (by contrast, California takes up over 130,000 square miles) and on all the maps I look at it seems like every region of Belize has numerous wildlife preserves (including ones for sea tortoises, manatee and jaguars!), national parks and Mayan ruins that are being protected. It's amazing that such a small country is doing so much to protect its environment and wildlife, while still having a thriving tourist industry, while in the US we can't seem to develop so-called 'undeveloped' areas fast enough to suit our crazy lifestyles. I'm sure there are many places in Belize where people's homes are threatened or changed by the tourist trade, but relatively speaking it seems like a fairly 'pristine' (to sound like a travel guide) place.

I'm SO excited about these developments you can't even know! I've been waking up at like 5am (withOUT an alarm, mind you) the last couple days to add new things to add to our to-do list, checking out how many hits our web site has gotten, or reading about places to visit in Belize in this book we bought the other night, cheesily entitled Adventure Guide to Belize. And I'm happy to report that I'm not stressed out about all this, I'm actually quite happy about it all.

I can't wait for the wedding and for our honeymoon. Now I finally understand why people want to get married this way. How much frickin' fun!

Our First Wedding

2008-06-15T14:00:00.000-07:00

Just booked the venue and officiant (sort of) for our first wedding, which I'm proud to say will be taking place at the elegantly beautiful and historic San Francisco City Hall. The pic above I snatched off some web site (it didn't look copyrighted, okay?). We probably won't be lucky enough to have our ceremony under the rotunda, which is where the photo above is taken, but that's fine with me. The Hall has been made famous in recent years because of the big gay marriage legalization drama, which makes me even more proud to be having our first wedding here. Here's another, public photo of the front of the building:

H. and I decided to have two wedding ceremonies because:

1) we wanted to cover our Chinese pseudo-astrological 'good luck' base with a wedding in August, which is supposed to be an auspicious month for weddings because the number '8' sounds like the word for prosperity (I think). So a lot of people are getting married on August 8, 2008 (8/8/08) to take advantage of this. We waited too long and had to settle for a slightly different date, but it's all good. August is what matters!

2) We wanted to get married in San Francisco, at least this way, because it would've been super-expensive and logistically challenging to have our 'real' (aka big) wedding in the City. Most of our family and friends live in the East Bay or even further away from Frisco, but since H. is a proud Frisco native we wanted to at least have one wedding in his hometown.

And I've been home sick for the better part of this past week, today with a raging phlegm-producing cough that makes me sound like a 60-year-old chainsmoking lounge lizard. But being forced to stay indoors is helping me get a lot of wedding stuff done. Invitations are going out this week (finally! And thanks to our fabulous wedding crew for helping us assemble the suckers) and I am going to be booking our event waitstaff for the reception as well. Only three more months to go!

The Transformation of Stress into...Excitement!

2008-06-04T07:05:00.000-07:00

I had a moment this morning, laying in bed at 6:45am, where I started spontaneously thinking about who was going to walk me down the aisle. As some of you may know, I don't really have a 'father'--my biological father having abandoned my mother and I before I was born and my step-father having been abusive; I'm not inviting either to the wedding. And even if I did, the whole idea of being 'given away' by someone seems disturbing and just not authentic to how I've chosen to live my life.

So I lay there thinking about the possible friends and other relatives who could, in my mind, 'escort' me down the aisle instead of give me away, and for a minute I thought, "This is ridiculous that I'm thinking about this at 6:45am on a Wednesday morning, before I've even gotten out of bed!" But then I breathed and paid attention to the feelings in my body, and realized that not only was I not feeling stressed about this spontaneous, type-A thinking--stress for me usually shows up as tightness in the chest and shoulders, and a sense of not being able to breathe properly--but I was actually feeling happy...no JOYOUS to be thinking about this not-minor detail of our wedding ceremony.

As I posted below, H. and I have had our share of stressful moments the last few weeks re: wedding stuff. So it was really beautiful to feel, finally, this morning, a sense of lightness and levity in the midst of my OCD detail-planning thinking. I was actually HAPPY to be having that moment, and let myself feel excited and yes, even girlishly giddy, about getting to decide who was going to escort me down the aisle. It wasn't stressful anymore, it wasn't something I was somewhat ashamed of (not having a father that one can be proud of is definitely not something most people want to brag about). I guess I experienced what might be called a transformative or revelatory moment, where the shining, simple essence of this big, sprawling, complicated event and planning process was perfectly clear to me: I'm getting married to the man I love, in front of our friends and family, and I'm frickin' HAPPY about it!

I'm going to sit with this feeling for a while, and enjoy it. I'm sure it will pass, but I'm also sure it will return, and I'll be sure to breathe and to bask in it when it does.

Disappointment and Excitement

2008-06-03T08:28:00.000-07:00

I wanted to blog a bit about how this wedding-planning process can be such an emotional, up-and-down roller coaster ride. The emotional stuff that has to do with my own issues about marriage, fears of commitment, high expectations of myself and my partner and family stuff was to be expected, as was the excitement around planning a big wedding and gathering all our friends and family together to celebrate with us.

What hasn't been as expected for me is having the disappointing experience of friends who've been less-than-supportive of H. and my vision of the wedding trying to impose their visions and ideas of what weddings should be on our process. Notice I said friends and not family. Our family has been surprisingly cooperative and accomodating--especially considering that H.'s father and my mother are paying for most of it--and even though they haven't been super-excited about every element of the wedding (e.g. my mom saying in a less-than-approving tone that the simple wooden chapel where we're having the ceremony looks like a 'country church'), they've pretty much held their tongues. I take that as a sign that 1) they know we're not going to change our minds even if they protest; and 2) they recognize us as adults now who can make our own decisions and, more importantly, have the right to.

It's been very disappointing to have one close friend--I won't get into details but if you're an IndieBride Kvetch member you can probably find my post there--who, I think because of stuff going on in their own life, has called me 'very self-absorbed' about the wedding planning and really stressed me out one day by trying to make us rethink some important decisions we'd made, supposedly in the name of helping us 'strategize'. Around what I'm not sure, and the advice was not only totally unsolicited but also completely unhelpful, but this friend has all but blamed me for the argument that ensued, although I tried my best to be patient and explain why we'd come to our decision. It was a fascinating experience of human nature and the clash of needs, and I hope that my friend can soon understand why we can't do it the way they wanted us to, and why their approach wasn't helpful.

It was exciting and helpful, on the other hand, to talk to other folks that are helping to plan the wedding and find out that they're not only happy with how we're moving things forward, but also down to do whatever we need them to for our wedding. These are the folks that I want to stand up for H. and I during our ceremony as our wedding party--people who know that this day truly is about our relationship and the vision we have for how we want to share this ritual with others.

I'm trying to let their excitement take me out of my frustrated and disappointed state when I think about my other friend, but it's hard. Even H. was starting to feel despondent about the wedding, telling me yesterday, 'I wonder sometimes how excited people really are about our getting married.' That made me really sad, and so I shared with him all the supportive words that our friends shared with me, and reminded him that at our next wedding planning meeting (we meet about once every six weeks), we'll get a nice shot of enthusiasm and support from our crew.

So please send positive, uplifting thoughts and energy our way. We're in the home stretch now and we'll need all the help we can get.

DIY vs. 'Traditional'

2008-05-24T07:40:00.000-07:00

H. and I--and our fabulous wedding crew of 'bridesmaids' and 'groomsmen', for lack of better terminology--have been trying to plan our wedding in a fairly DIY (do-it-yourself) way. H., a graphic designer and DJ by training and background, is designing our wedding invitations, fairly elaborate affairs involving ribbon, 'matchbook'-style cover and multiple inserts, as well as pulling together all the musical elements of the event. I have worked as a professional event coordinator and my attention-to-detail-meter is so scary that I created a 12-tab Excel spreadsheet to track everything from the invite list to the menu to the budget to the tasks/timeline. I also wrote the wedding party processional order during a moment of inspired compulsiveness when I was waiting for the bus a couple months ago.

So we are definitely lucky to have these skills, both from a budget perspective (people spend craploads of money on invitations and DJs/sound equipment, and we'll have custom-designed invitations and at least three DJs for less than $1,000 for everything) and from a quality control perspective. I also know that there are cheaper and more fun alternative ways to do just about everything--like hiring our own waitstaff so that we can completely control our dinner menu for the reception and keep the per-person food costs down to as little as $15, including drinks! Or like researching the cutty, out-of-the-way halls and ceremony sites that only locals know about but that cost a fraction of what the 'popular' wedding venues cost (we're paying about $1,000 for both the ceremony and reception venue combined). But a lot of people who don't have experience planning events, working with vendors and organizing multiple volunteers and paid staff for a project like this just wouldn't know that so many cool options exist. Or, they do know and they just don't have the time or inclination to deal with it, so they hire someone like me to do it for them. (And believe me, after going through this wedding planning process, I am very much considering hiring myself out as a wedding coordinator! Not only is there some good money to be made but also many brides' nervous breakdowns to prevent).

So from where we sit, it's fascinating to see how the wedding industry, which is an $86 billion industry in the US alone, plays to people's lack of these skills and knowledge by making brides especially feel that in order to have a really fabulous wedding you need things like a wedding coordinator (upwards of $40/hour), a wedding web site (can cost $50 a month!), letterpress invitations (literally thousands of dollars) and of course, a fabulous dress ($1,000 for a bridal gown is considered 'budget' by most wedding web sites and magazines). I rail a lot on this web site about how the 'bridal industry' pushes this image of an ideal wedding that, oh yeah, happens to cost upwards of $40,000. And I rail against it because I find myself falling for some of their tchotchkes and gimmicks. ("Oh, sweetie, let's get a personalized silk-flower heart-shaped banner that says 'Just Got Hitched' for our limousine for when we leave the ceremony site!"). It's fascinating to observe and experience my own inner little girl getting giggly and swoony over things like letterpress place cards ($200) or heart-shaped personal mini-fondue set wedding favors ($24 each, which would mean over $3,500 for our wedding of 175 guests!).

Don't worry, we're not actually BUYING any of these things, but as a self-confessed marketing sucker, I do admit that the constant bombardment via email, wedding web sites, and yes even junk snail mail of cutesy, adorable wedding trinkets starts to wear down even this hardcore DIY bride. Fortunately, H. and I don't have the kind of flexibility in our wedding budget that would allow us to seriously entertain any truly frivolous expense, so you won't find me making an impulse buy of Lord of the Rings champagne flutes anytime soon.

And that is a damned good thing.

OMG! Four months left!

2008-04-23T06:42:00.000-07:00

I'm actually in New York City right now, typing this in my closet-sized (but well-amenitized, with flat-screen TV and stylish furnishings) hotel room. I just checked this blog for the first time in several weeks and realized from my countdown widget that there are only four-plus months left 'til my wedding! Crazy! I feel like I should be doing more, but then I look at our timeline and we're pretty on track with all our tasks. To make myself feel better, let me list some of our big checked-off to-do's here:

-We sent save the date postcards out to folks back in January, and I finished writing our invitation text (with directions, gift registry info, etc). Henry's designing the invitations and we'll be sending them out in late May/early June.
-Ordered and paid for (well, my mom paid for) my wedding dress. A BIG accomplishment for me, since I had been looking at dresses for a good six months already.
-Ordered my potential reception dress--which should be waiting for me back home when I return. It's th Amanda dress from Trashy Diva, a clothing line whose dresses are simple, sexy, elegant and beautiful.
-Booked the reception and ceremony venues
-Scoped out the ceremony space a few times for decoration and ceremony ideas
-Booked our photographer
-Pulled our wedding party together, which is taking the lead on the decorations at our wedding, and helping with lots of other things
-Chose and have been working with the officiant for our wedding (our friend Shash Yazhi, who has been great)
-Signed up for our gift registry (we're asking folks to donate to our fund for a house)
-Pretty much decided on our menu, and now just need to find servers and folks to set up and clean up (we're not pressing our friends and family into service in that way, except for helping to clean up the decorations at the ceremony site)
-Confirmed two of our good friends as singers at our ceremony, where they will sing a duet version of Danny's Song by Kenny Loggins.
-Have a lineup of free DJ's (it helps that H. is a DJ and has lots of really good DJ friends) for the reception.

I guess that's a lot of work, but I still feel like I should be doing more! It's the Type-A person in me, she gets kinda antsy. But we are having a far less formal wedding than the wedding magazines encourage you to have, and don't care so much about things like cake-toppers and personalized, engraved wedding cake serving sets, etc. And H. is handling all of the materials production and music (invitations, web site, DJs )So that cuts out a lot of work. I know I just need to breathe and relax, like H. says, and everything will be all right.

Bought it!

2008-04-03T20:24:00.000-07:00

This past Monday, I bought/ordered my wedding ceremony dress, which I'm not showing to Henry because he's being old-fashioned and doesn't want to see it before the big day. It was a bit nerve-wracking--my mom was buying it for me and said I could get the more expensive, tissue taffeta silk fabric one instead of the shantung silk version, and I changed the color of the dress right after we left the store because I got freaked out about having a too white color for the wedding. I'm still a little anxious that the color may clash a bit with the autumn gold accent fabric we've chosen, although I know that the main color for our wedding, a dark teal color for the bridesmaids' dresses and other decorations, goes well with the ivory color of my dress. Who knew that buying one dress would ever consume so much of my energy? But for now, it's just a waiting game, as my dress won't be ready for my fitting for another three months.

It's been an interesting journey, the girly-side of the wedding planning. I never thought of myself as a super-girly woman, although I do like wearing dresses (although not high heels particularly) and I wear makeup fairly regularly these days (powder, lipstick and blush usually). But there's something about trying on these gorgeous, expensive, well-made fashion creations that brings out even the least girly-girl's ultra-feminine side. My mom even got in on the action on the day we bought my dress, cooing at herself in the mirror when she tried on this stunner, which she ended up buying. It was very cute, especially since my mom's selection of "eveningwear" mostly consists of conservative jewel-toned sweaters and black polyester slacks (not that I'm knocking on mom's wardrobe, but it was really nice to see her in something glamorous and totally fashionable).

I can't wait to have my dress in my hot little hands in a few months! Since I never went to my proms and have only been a bridesmaid in one wedding, I have to say it's fun playing princess for the first time in my life.

Who the Hell is a Size 0!

2008-03-11T07:52:00.000-07:00

I've been scouring eBay looking for 'my' wedding dress--I've tried on a few that I like, see below, and am also looking for a reception dress that's shorter and less formal so I can dance the night away after the ceremony--and I have to say that it's weird how many 'size 0' or 2 or 4 dresses I'm finding. Given that I was a fairly petite size 6 for most of the last 10 years (and recently have graduated to a more 'voluptuous' size 8!), I'm really shocked that there are THAT many women out there who can actually fit into a size 0 bridal gown, especially given that they are usually sized SMALLER than street clothes! Which means, what are these women wearing in street clothes, size -4?

Are these women just extremely tiny, bird-like even, or are they starving themselves so they can 'look good' on their wedding day? I have to admit--as much as my so-called radical feminist side would like to deny this--that I want to lose a few pounds for the wedding so I can look good in the pictures, but I highly doubt I'll drop a dress size. More toned arms and back, yes, but going from an 8 to a 6, don't think so! That would just be too weird.

But there is a lot of this 'bridal bootcamp' mentality on the wedding sites I see. It's sad to me, but also a little understandable, as there is so much pressure on the bride to 'look her best' on her wedding day, as all eyes will be on her. I hope to divert a little of this attention away from me and to my hot husband-to-be, who will look dashing I'm sure, and is a much bigger clothes-horse than I am. It's a lot of scrutiny to be put under, especially as someone who doesn't particularly enjoy people staring at me (who does except for models?). But I'm trying not to freak out about it.

As for the size 0, 2 and 4 women out there--I tend to like your dresses darn it! Can some of the bigger women out there start selling their dresses on eBay please! There is really NOTHING wrong with admitting you're a size 8 or bigger.

The Heart of the Matter

2008-03-08T18:16:00.000-08:00

It's funny, when H. and I decided to get married--there was no formal 'proposal', we were just sitting at our kitchen table and I brought up the idea of having a wedding, and we talked about it and then decided--we were quite practical about it, at first. We wanted to please our families, both sides of which had been urging us to get married for a while now. We wanted, honestly, the gifts that come with a big wedding, to help set ourselves up for the rest of our lives as a couple and, hopefully, parents. And we wanted to have a party, but that was a secondary consideration.

Now that we find ourselves in the thick of wedding planning, our friends in our wedding party--one of whom is officiating our wedding, and others who are helping us do the logistical stuff--are asking for our vision for our relationship and therefore our ceremony and reception, and we find ourselves looking at each other and realizing that we need to think about that a while before we can articulate it to others. What is our vision for our relationship, for our marriage, for the next phase of our life together that we're embarking on? As a friend asked us this question just today at our wedding planning meeting, I found myself realizing, 'Wow, this is really more than just pleasing our family or having a big, fun, splashy party.' I was reminded yet again that this whole process is about us setting intentions for the future, about visualizing a life together that is about our values, our beliefs, our work in the world, our community.

Not that I ever had any doubt that our wedding or our future marriage wasn't 'real' or that we were just doing this to relieve some of the external pressure we'd been feeling. Of course, we love each other and want to make this very public commitment to each other. And the very act of deciding this, and of planning the event during which we are going to make this commitment, is to me both a statement of love as it is one of resistance to the status quo way of thinking about this stuff.

I've been ambivalent about marriage in the past, and I still think that it's a problematic institution, especially in this country, to say the least. I grew up in a very nontraditional family setting--my mom was single, I never knew my father, we lived with distant relatives and I was taken care of by people I wasn't blood-related to but who felt more like my family than anyone else--so I've never been one to devalue 'alternative' social arrangements. I don't think that a 'real' family looks like this: Dad, Mom, kids, dog / cat / other pets, and the occasional grandparent or cousin thrown in for kicks and comic relief. I believe in community as family, and in extended family that can include blood relations and people who just feel like your brothers and sisters. I also think it's ridiculous and sad that people of the same gender can't have their relationships validated by the state if they choose to make this commitment to each other.

That all said, H. and I also support people who don't choose to 'get married' or have a commitment ceremony or mark their unions in the way we are choosing to. I honestly don't know if we would be doing so if there wasn't an expectation for us to do it, or if we hadn't been to such cool weddings and ceremonies that inspired us in the past. Even though I've written in this blog before that the act of planning our wedding has brought us closer, I think I really could've done without the headaches and the details and the planning if I could still feel that our community and family would validate our relationship in the same way without a wedding. But the reality is that, for some of them, they won't. And you can't really ask your friends for money to buy a house unless you get married--or at least, I don't think I could, no matter how good of a fundraiser I am!

I guess all this is a lead-up to what I really wanted to say, which is that I am marrying H. and going through the troubles and travails (and joys and light moments too) of planning a semi-big wedding with him because, simply, I love him. And he loves me. And we want to have our one day where we proclaim that to the world, loudly and proudly, in a way that reflects our values and our community. For all my ambivalence and complaining at times, I can't wait to marry H. Can't wait to dress up, and see all our friends and family there, and say our vows, and eat good food (including a Filipino roast pig, or lechon) and watch him DJ in his wedding duds, and salsa dance with him and the rest of our crew.

Six months to go! I really can't wait.

Narrowing it Down

2008-03-01T17:42:00.000-08:00

I've got my eye on two dresses for the wedding ceremony (I'm planning to change into a different, more danceable, cocktail-party style dress for the reception), both of which are from Siri, a fabulous San Francisco-based woman designer whose dresses are both simple and elegant. After getting bleary-eyed from staring at all the awful images of beaded, Cinderella-at-the-ball, poufy taffeta and lace gowns on the Internet, it was so refreshing to go try on Siri's dresses at The Wedding Party in Berkeley. I just got back from my second trip there, this time with M., who also tried on a few frocks, and I'm happy to say that I'm starting to get clear on what I want my dress to look and feel like. But because H. is being strangely old-fashioned (although I'm not complaining about it) and doesn't want to see my dress before the wedding, I'm not going to post any images here. Suffice it to say that my top choices make me look smashing if I do say so myself, aren't too froofy, over-the-top feminine, and are not very expensive (as bridal dresses go anyway).

This bridal salon is perfect for someone like me. Clara, the woman who helped us, is efficient, focused, sincere and enthusiastic about the whole process. I get the sense that she thoroughly enjoys her job. I couldn't believe how much information she had in her brain about the wedding dresses they carry. And she knows how to give compliments without being overly gushy or cloying. That means a lot. One thing I've realized in the process of planning our wedding is that I really HATE it when vendors act like they're more happy about our wedding than we are, or say silly pseudo-romantic things as if we really want to hear them. We've tended to 'vibe' the vendors that we're dealing with--from the venue reps to the photographer to the people selling us our clothes--and I have definitely leaned towards wanting to work with the people that are more real and less likely to ask stupid questions like, 'So tell me how he proposed?' Sometimes it feels insulting to my intelligence how gushy these folks can be. Like the photographer who emailed us after our meeting and said, 'You two are ADORABLE together!' I was like, 'Come on!'

I bet we're lucky being in the Bay Area because there are probably more cool, 'alternative' type wedding vendors out here than in lots of other parts of the world. At least I like to think so. It's relatively easy to find people who are cool with non-traditional weddings, thanks to the whole gay-marriage craze of the last few years, and the relatively high number of radical activists, hippies and former hippies and other non-mainstream people in the Bay. And that's cool.

So wish me luck. If I want to buy my dress from The Wedding Party, I need to place my order in April. Yikes! That's not that far away. I'm excited about it but a little nervous. Each big purchase makes the whole thing just that much more real.

Six Years and Counting

2008-02-14T09:12:00.000-08:00

So, as of today (roughly--we celebrate our anniversaries on Valentine's Day just to not have so many holidays smushed up against each other, as both of our birthdays and our Mom's birthdays are around Christmas/New Year's), H. and I have been together for six, count 'em, SIX years.

All I can say is, Wow. It's the longest I've been with one person (my next-longest relationship was four years long) and I have to say, maybe it's just because of the novelty and fun of wedding planning right now, but I really do feel like our lives together, our relationship, has just begun (cue Carpenters song here). It's been a fascinating, lovely, romantic, crazy, emotional, challenging, moonlight-flooded, intense, fun, laughter-filled, sexy, sometimes volatile, sometimes chaotic, beautiful, musical, sunlit, frustrating, enlightening, at times overwhelming but overall extremely satisfying six years with H., I have to say, and I'm only looking forward to many more years with him as we start this next phase of our life together as a married couple.

Thank you, H., for all that you've brought to my life, to my healing and to my community of friends and family. You are my everything, and I love you.

Me and H. letting the little kid in both of us come out to play.

The Search is On!

2008-02-03T21:50:00.000-08:00

The final (hopefully) stage of our wedding reception venue-search is officially on! We have a fairly new and long list of potential spots for the reception, including a Unitarian Church in Oakland that H. and I have been to a lot for community events, another community center near Jack London Square, and a couple of spots in San Leandro (next city over from Oakland to the south) that hold some promise. Two of my wedding party members--A. and A.--are helping me by putting their own formidable event-planning skills into play and helping me scout out some spots. It's so great to have friends helping us out on this; it makes the whole process feel less stressful and more fun and interesting.

So wish us luck! I hope we can find something that's affordable, close to our ceremony location, pretty/decoratable, flexible and big enough to accomodate our mid-size (200 people) wedding.

Oh yeah, and we just sent out our save the date cards and have started to get some sweet messages from friends and family about coming to the wedding. As our friend B. said, "Once you send these out, it's really going to be real." And by 'real' that doesn't mean 'bad', it just means that now our community of folks is going to know that we are moving forward on this path and that we really mean it. It's a big step to take, and I'm takin' it with H., face forward and head held high with pride and joy.

And Away We Go!

2008-01-27T16:01:00.001-08:00

H. and I had our first planning meeting today over brunch with our fabulous crew of friends who are going to be in the ceremony and help us make the big day happen. I feel so blessed to have such an amazing group of people in our lives and helping us plan our wedding. And if this first brunch is any indication, our wedding's going to be a blast! We had some yummy food--homefries, veggie and maple chicken sausages and scrambled eggs with spinach--cooked by H. to perfection, then we did some fun story-sharing about how we'd all met each other and then we did some brainstorming and planning. THEN, my good friend A., by request, did an impromptu salsa dance lesson, which surprisingly everyone participated in. It was so much fun and totally reflected me and H.'s values: music, friendship, good food, dancing and just a generally grand time had by all.

Here's a picture of the impromptu salsa lesson:

And what a talented and connected group of folks this is: my other friend AR can get us a hookup on a digital projector which we'll use for a slideshow and even offered to help GROW some flowers so we wouldn't have to buy as many for the wedding; MR is the decorations and flower diva; two friends named A. are helping to settle on a reception venue (see my earlier panicked post), and everyone pitched in to help do our Save the Date postcard mailing. A. and N.'s new Baby K. (all of four months old!) made us all coo and smile with his cute lil' self as well.

And of course I was the event coordinating queen and had easel pad paper up to help us all with the planning structure (I can't help myself, I love event planning!):

We had a great time and look forward to more meetings like this one--where we can really be ourselves and have others help us visualize and manifest our wedding in meaningful and fun ways. Being around our friends today made me realize how lucky H. and I are, and how amazing our life already is, and how amazing it will be post-September 20. Blessed indeed.

Frackin' Around...

2008-01-25T19:13:00.000-08:00

...with my template! Tsk-tsk if you were thinking I was going to talk about naughty, sowing-my-wild-oats-before-settling-down kinds of things. I would NEVER discuss those kinds of things in my blog. (Wink)

Seriously, though, I've been really irritated with the new template/interface on Blogger (I couldn't figure out a way to enable comments for God's sake!) so I finally reverted back to the 'Classic' template, et voila! My comments have magically appeared. But I'm still figuring out how to not make the links I add show up in a different font than everything else, and how to make things look a little bit nicer. I know a grant total of like two short lines of HTML code, so I will be enlisting the help of none other than my lovely fiance, H., to help me. You see, he's a web programmer/designer on top of all the other fabulous and lovely things he is.

So please be patient with me and my blog as we tweak and work out the kinks. Oh yeah, and I'm having the first meeting of my bridal party this weekend! We're going to come up with a more interesting name for them--they're all good friends that are helping us plan our wedding and who will be in the wedding in some way. It should be a fun meeting.

And as far as the other f**kin' around, believe me I've lived my fair share of party days and wild young nights. One of the reasons I'm getting married and looking so forward to having kids is that I'm quite content with my memory of those years, and the fun I had, but I'm also quite ready to get domestic, stay home, clean my kid's snot from her face, and let H. make me brown rice and veggie stir-fry. Ah, the glorious boredom of settling down!

Learning Along the Way

2008-01-22T23:10:00.000-08:00

A friend recently read this blog and told me she was surprised at how 'open' I was (read: sharing too much information) about the stresses, ups and downs of wedding planning and my life/relationship. I told her that there are plenty of other bloggers out there that are WAY more open with their business than I am, but that I understood where she's coming from.

Well, in the spirit of sharing but not sharing TOO much (I do like to keep many things private), let me just say that the emotional side of preparing for and planning a wedding are much more intense than I thought they'd be. My therapist says that getting ready for our wedding is triggering all my 'core issues'---aka sh*t I've been dealing with in my life for a long time, and that a lot of us deal with on an emotional and psychological level, whether we're aware of it or not--like abandonment, insecurities about commitment, fear of turning into my parents, etc. This triggering has led to a lot of soul-searching and tough conversations between H. and I. But although neither one of us is perfect and I definitely have made some mistakes, said hurtful things, etc. to him when I'm really just anxious about making the biggest commitment I've ever made to another person in my life, I can also safely (and gladly) say that the whole process has brought us a lot closer.

I guess that's what people mean when they say that even just the process of planning a wedding will test your relationship. There are so many aspects of the planning--setting the invitation list, picking who's going to be in our wedding party, dealing with family, talking about money--that can bring up thorny, difficult issues, that it's so important that we try to stay grounded and remember why we're doing this all in the first place.

And really, even though we decided to get married partially to make our families happy and partially to set ourselves up financially for a life together, really we want to get married also because we love each other, and because we want our community of friends and family to witness and honor the commitment we're making to each other. The journey to that day has its fair share of obstacles, but it's all just practice to help us refine how to be with each other, how to love each other, and how to take care of ourselves along the way.

I'm learning a lot, and I think H . is too, on many levels that I'd never really thought about before. It's a fascinating journey, and one that I'm not regretting.

Reception Venue Panic Attack

2008-01-17T22:18:00.000-08:00

Had a bit of a reception venue panic attack today. Realized last night that our then-first choice for the reception, a Chinese banquet hall, might not be the best choice (kinda pricey, kinda run down facility, extra cost for matching table linens, etc. etc) but that if we tried to do it at the reception hall on the same campus as our wedding ceremony, we'd have to cut down on the invite list significantly. Well, I couldn't get this stuff out of my head (and I'd hd too much caffeine yesterday to boot) so Yours Truly ended up staying up most of the night worrying and doing planning on my computer and getting only about 3 hours sleep.

Fast forward to later on today, when I called the event coordinator for the campus where we're having our ceremony to inquire about whether the reception hall was still available. Alas, the woman we'd talked to before hadn't mentioned that it's alumnae weekend during our wedding, and that the reception hall was booked. Drats! So that lead was eliminated.

After that bad news, I sent a desperate-plea-for-help email to my wedding party--a smart, resourceful crew if there ever was one, and thank Goddess--and now have a couple more venues (including a small community center in the next city over, which I hadn't even entertained because it didn't seem 'nice' enough, but now seems like a pretty good deal) to add to my potential reception venue list. I'm so glad I finally reached out for help on this issue. H. just isn't big on organizing events and sometimes feels a little intimidate by my can-do-it-all attitude that he doesn't suggest things that might be perfectly good ideas.

So we're getting closer to finding the perfect place for our reception, and with the help of our friends and community, everything's going to be all right! I feel it now, I really do.

Getting Stressed Again...

2008-01-06T09:08:00.000-08:00

...but trying to breathe and stay calm. Settling on the place where our reception is going to be held has proven more difficult than I thought--expense is the big factor, with most places having minimums for number of guests (the one place we're looking at has a minimum of 200 guests, which would increase our costs by at least $1,000). I've thought over and over, 'Maybe we should just skip the big wedding and save the money for a house," but then as I've told H., I really can't imagine our wedding being any smaller than the 175 we're currently anticipating and still feeling like our community of family and friends is present.

I was reading some Thich Nhat Hanh this morning, some of his thoughts on Sangha (Buddhist term for spiritual or other community) and marriage, and I realized that we really can't compromise on our wedding size. It may cost a little more money to try and go with a bigger place, but in the end the blessings and joy that a wedding of our true community will far outweight any monetary cost.

Still, I'm a little torn by where, finally, we should plan to have our reception. There are so many fantasies and ideals I have--not to mention the ideals of our respective families that we must contend with, although, fortunately, they are being shockingly quiet about their wants--that I'm projecting onto this wedding. One of the things I've done to try and soothe any sorrow I might have about not having the wedding in the 'perfect' locale (e.g. a garden ceremony and reception site with beautiful views and delicious food--I've costed some of those places out and unfortunately they'd cost us at least $15,000 alone) by thinking, 'Well, H. and I could always have our ten-year anniversary vow renewal ceremony here...." That's helped a lot, thinking about the anticipated longevity of our relationship, how this wedding is just the beginning of a long, hopefully happy road ahead, which will be marked by many other 'firsts'. In this way, I've avoided getting too caught up in the idea of a 'fantasy' wedding, but that ole' socialization is pretty powerful.

Wish us luck as we make our final decision.

Our Wedding?

2008-01-02T11:36:00.000-08:00

It's been an interesting process, planning this wedding with my fiance, H., who is a graphic designer and deejay by trade so has some important skills to contribute to the planning process. Although I still rag on him for not doing enough sometimes, I have to admit that I have a pretty good thing going on compared to other brides whose boyfriends think that wedding planning is just for women.

Of course, the bridal industry completely reinforces this belief/stereotyped/f**ked up assumption, which is totally sexist and not very modern. I mean, come on, it's the year 2008! I can't believe sometimes how little progress we've made, especially in a supposedly industrialized and modernized society, in terms of gender relations. Of course, I've already noticed how much I've bought into these assumptions about brides and wedding planning, which I may write more about later. It was really trippy to realize how, even as a self-proclaimed radical feminist, I felt like I had to prove to my family and friends that I was going to have a 'perfect' wedding and if it didn't turn out exactly like I wanted it, it was going to be a tragedy, or at the very least, everyone was going to feel like it was my fault that it didn't turn out right.

H. has been great at basically telling me when I get stressed out or worried, "Everything's going to be okay. The wedding's going to be beautiful." That's been one of his main roles in our relationship, as I tend to be much more of a type-A stress case than he is. Of course, my obsession/attention to detail is a major plus when it comes to event coordination, but even the most balanced of event coordinators needs someone to tell him/her, 'You just need to relax and not be so stressed out about everything.' Because in reality, if my dress isn't the most to-die for fashion creation since Princesss Di's, it really is okay. And in the end, half the stuff that the bridal magazines and web sites are pushing on me is stuff that neither I nor H. give a crap about. But there's a definite psychological/marketing strategy that they use that is highly effective, playing on the gender roles that our society places us in which say that the wedding is the bride's one day to be a princess, and the man is sort of just there to shine a light on her.

There are lots of ways that H. and I are already planning our wedding in a more egalitarian way, which is much more reflective of both our relationship and the ways that we want to relate to the world, our politics and values. He's in charge of the invitations, the rehearsal dinner, the photograpy stuff, the music, his own clothes and those of the 'masculine' (not all the people dressing like men in our wedding party ARE men) folks in our wedding, among a few other things. I'm in charge of overall coordination (mostly because I have professional experience doing it), getting our wedding party and planning meetings together, my clothes, the reception venue/food stuff, and a few other things. We've done a bunch of stuff together too, of course (meeting with photographers, checking out venues). And his side of the family is paying for more stuff. So it all kind of balances out.

I've read some interesting things about more progressive, egalitarian, and honestly, more fun ways of planning a wedding, from the Offbeat Bride blog and this book called There Must Be Something for the Groom To Do which is the best thing I've read so far about how much pressure is put on the bride to have a spectacular, perfect wedding and how the groom needs to step up in order to help change this dynamic.

In the end, it's still just me and H.'s wedding, despite the fact that our families have a lot invested in it, and have certain expectations about what it should be like. H. and I have some pretty cool and different values than our families, and the way I see it this is a big way that we can show them our whole selves--by planning a wedding that is really going to reflect who we are, what our relationship is about, and who our community and family truly is.

An Amazing Photographer: Hasain Rasheed

2007-12-29T16:05:00.000-08:00

So we're going to be working with Hasain Rasheed as our wedding photographer. He's a very cool, laid-back guy whom we met with his wife and business partner, Joanna Kaplan, an equally cool and friendly person. I'm SO excited about having them as our photography team for our wedding, because Hasain is a true artist and because they are just people we vibed with immediately. They weren't fake the way the other photography consultant was that we met with, who (honest to God) emailed us after our meeting with a form-email that said, "It was so great to meet you both! You are so adorable together!' I was like, "Eeew...uh, NO." The wedding industry is a trip. And Hasain and Joanna are just regular folks who have skills that we need to make our wedding memorable and reflective of our values, which include not paying $3500 for mediocre photos. Not to mention that they're both from the Town! So we're supporting local business at the same time.

Tonite we're going to have dinner at Silver Dragon Restaurant, where we're thinking of having our reception. I'm worried that if the food isn't good, which judging by the reviews I've been reading, it isn't, even for a banquet, our options will be severely limited. We're on a tight budget ($1000 if possible for the venue rental) and anyplace that rents for wedding and is half-way decent tends to charge at least $1200. It's crazy! I can't believe that a 'budget' wedding for 175 has to cost more than a new car.

Anyway, if you have any bright ideas for us I'd love to hear them. Otherwise, just cross your fingers for us that the food at Silver Dragon is yummy. The upshot is that they've already told us we can have a lechon, so that's good.

Staying Close to Home

2007-12-27T22:24:00.000-08:00

So I had my first truly negative experience (not just annoying, but negative) as part of this wedding planning thing today. We walked all the from our house to the this place, which is located in a very white, very affluent city named Piedmont, in the middle (yes, I'm not kidding) of Oakland. I won't go into great detail about the experience, but suffice it to say that I refuse to have my wedding reception in a place where my very multi-racial, multicultural wedding guests may deal with condescending, possibly racist attitudes from staff who think they're too good to answer your questions.

H. told me that he was surprised that I even wanted to do the reception in Piedmont in the first place, but he didn't say anything until today. I was like, "Um, okay, that's something I would've liked to hear a couple months ago when we first looked at this place." Would've saved me some grief.

So now we're going to be looking pretty much exclusively in Oakland, so that we can be near where the ceremony is going to be and so we can stay closer to home. I'd rather give my hard-earned money to a private business or to the local government in my own city than give it to snobby Piedmont folks who think their time is more important than mine.

So, yay Oakland! Having both the ceremony and the reception (and probably the rehearsal dinner too) in Oakland was always my frist choice, and it seems that the universe agrees with me.

And on a Different Note

2007-12-06T09:05:00.000-08:00

Just yesterday I felt like things were moving smoothly with wedding stuff---then today I feel stressed out again. It's like that with me and big event planning. But after attending and participating in the Rockwood Leadership program last week and taking a good hard look at how I react to any work situation (and no doubt, wedding planning is work), I'm trying to refine and revise my approach to planning big events. I don't like having those stressed-out, insomnia-inducing moments where all I want to do is focus on some aspect of the planning for three hours (usually from 2am to 5am, resulting in serious fatigue at work the day after). It's not a healthy or fun way to be.

I'm trying to just breathe through my anxiety, to keep telling myself that it'll all be okay. And for some reason, right now, I just don't really feel like doing wedding planning work. There, I said it. And lightning has not struck me from above (knock on wood). Everything's gonna be all right. Sooner or later I'm going to really believe those words.

Moving Right Along

2007-12-04T22:16:00.000-08:00

All right! So the ceremony venue's booked (although I'm still not sure if I should post it here in case some crazy ex-boyfriend decides to show up and ruin our special day), getting close to booking a reception site, I'm close to getting my dress (or at least, my first dress--seems like a lot of women change their minds after buying one), and our wedding party/committee will be meeting in January to get started on our work.

It still seems like the wedding is a long way away but I want to do as much as possible ahead of time so that neither H. nor I need to be stressed out the day of, or even in the days immediately preceding the wedding ("Yeah right!" I hear the former brides and grooms saying to themseles). In any case, preparation and planning are my strong suits and I've lined up an impressive group of wedding helpers if I do say so myself--friends who are equally talented at event planning, logistics, decorations, dealing with difficult family members, etc. Just the people I want to have around me on the big day.

Lastly, I want to use this blog to explore some of the thornier, more emotional issues that are coming up for me around the wedding planning, like how to share the workload more with my partner, or getting to the internalized socialization I'm falling into by getting so 'into' my wedding planning. A few months ago, I didn't even think we were going to get married, or would only get married after we had a baby, and then just at the courthouse. But I feel like this wedding 'project' is an important one for us, and can really teach us a lot about ourselves and each other. It's made me feel stressed out, yes, but it's also made me feel curious about all these underlying values, feelings and ideas I have about relationships, family, and marriage in a way that I don't think I would have if I wasn't planning a wedding. And for that reason alone I'm glad H. and I are getting married.

Also coming soon: booking a photographer! Wish us luck!

First Day of Dresses

2007-11-26T09:33:00.000-08:00

So I've decided to start this blog to hold all (or at least some) of my thoughts, musings, ramblings, rants and obsessions about my pending nuptials (yes, that's what a wedding is, nuptials! Sounds like a small animal or something). I've written a little bit about my ambivalence about traditional marriages on my other blog, but since I've plunged head-long into the wedding planning process, I find I need a place, a container for all these thoughts milling about my head. And yes, I've started having anxiety dreams about the wedding already, so you can say this is also part of my therapeutic process of purging as much of this gunk from my system so that I can concentrate on other things and get more restful sleep at night.

So yesterday was my first day of trying on wedding dresses. What a trip. I went with my friend A. to David's Bridal, a discount wedding gown store that tries (as many wedding vendors do especially the more mainstream ones that appeal to everyday folks with smallish wedding budgets, like me) to be a one-stop shopping destination for all your wedding needs. They had a giveaway going on for cookware (don't all newlyweds need midrange cookware?), sell those ugly garter belts and of course, the veils and dresses.

My 'bridal consultant' (aka saleswoman) was a Pinay as well, with that elegantly accented English that Pinoys often use--with carefully pronounced vowels and 'P's and 'B's, etc. We chatted a bit about where we were from in the Philippines, etc. etc. and then she helped me zip up the fluffy gowns that I tried on. All MUCH too fluffy for me, but it was good to find out what looks good on me (empire waist gowns, not so much, to my surprise) and what I just don't want (No tulle! who the hell wants to relive ballet recitals at your wedding?).

The strangest moment came when she asked if I was going to wear a veil. I felt strangely guilty, as if the fact that she was Filipino made me feel ashamed to say I wasn't going to wear one. So as I stammered, 'Uh, n-n-no," my bridal consultant primly took a tiara and gently placed it on my head. My friend came back at this point and said, "I thought you weren't going to wear a veil," and I felt ridiculous. Then the saleswoman put an ivory colored veil on my head with cord trim (if I were going to wear a veil, it would be something like that one, quite simple and plain), and the image in the mirror before me was complete: I was a little brown bride statue to be placed on top of a wedding cake.

I'm really glad I brought A. with me; she's into wedding planning stuff but not so girly that she took the whole thing too seriously. She was positive but honest with her feedback, and we also ended up eating In-N-Out burger across the street. I don't think I'll be going back to David's Bridal anytime soon--I can't fathom paying $400 for a polyester wedding dress when I can get a silk one on eBay for less than $200--but it was an interesting experience. One of many interesting experiences to come as we count down to our wedding day.