Our Wedding?

It's been an interesting process, planning this wedding with my fiance, H., who is a graphic designer and deejay by trade so has some important skills to contribute to the planning process. Although I still rag on him for not doing enough sometimes, I have to admit that I have a pretty good thing going on compared to other brides whose boyfriends think that wedding planning is just for women.

Of course, the bridal industry completely reinforces this belief/stereotyped/f**ked up assumption, which is totally sexist and not very modern. I mean, come on, it's the year 2008! I can't believe sometimes how little progress we've made, especially in a supposedly industrialized and modernized society, in terms of gender relations. Of course, I've already noticed how much I've bought into these assumptions about brides and wedding planning, which I may write more about later. It was really trippy to realize how, even as a self-proclaimed radical feminist, I felt like I had to prove to my family and friends that I was going to have a 'perfect' wedding and if it didn't turn out exactly like I wanted it, it was going to be a tragedy, or at the very least, everyone was going to feel like it was my fault that it didn't turn out right.

H. has been great at basically telling me when I get stressed out or worried, "Everything's going to be okay. The wedding's going to be beautiful." That's been one of his main roles in our relationship, as I tend to be much more of a type-A stress case than he is. Of course, my obsession/attention to detail is a major plus when it comes to event coordination, but even the most balanced of event coordinators needs someone to tell him/her, 'You just need to relax and not be so stressed out about everything.' Because in reality, if my dress isn't the most to-die for fashion creation since Princesss Di's, it really is okay. And in the end, half the stuff that the bridal magazines and web sites are pushing on me is stuff that neither I nor H. give a crap about. But there's a definite psychological/marketing strategy that they use that is highly effective, playing on the gender roles that our society places us in which say that the wedding is the bride's one day to be a princess, and the man is sort of just there to shine a light on her.

There are lots of ways that H. and I are already planning our wedding in a more egalitarian way, which is much more reflective of both our relationship and the ways that we want to relate to the world, our politics and values. He's in charge of the invitations, the rehearsal dinner, the photograpy stuff, the music, his own clothes and those of the 'masculine' (not all the people dressing like men in our wedding party ARE men) folks in our wedding, among a few other things. I'm in charge of overall coordination (mostly because I have professional experience doing it), getting our wedding party and planning meetings together, my clothes, the reception venue/food stuff, and a few other things. We've done a bunch of stuff together too, of course (meeting with photographers, checking out venues). And his side of the family is paying for more stuff. So it all kind of balances out.

I've read some interesting things about more progressive, egalitarian, and honestly, more fun ways of planning a wedding, from the Offbeat Bride blog and this book called There Must Be Something for the Groom To Do which is the best thing I've read so far about how much pressure is put on the bride to have a spectacular, perfect wedding and how the groom needs to step up in order to help change this dynamic.

In the end, it's still just me and H.'s wedding, despite the fact that our families have a lot invested in it, and have certain expectations about what it should be like. H. and I have some pretty cool and different values than our families, and the way I see it this is a big way that we can show them our whole selves--by planning a wedding that is really going to reflect who we are, what our relationship is about, and who our community and family truly is.