The Heart of the Matter
It's funny, when H. and I decided to get married--there was no formal 'proposal', we were just sitting at our kitchen table and I brought up the idea of having a wedding, and we talked about it and then decided--we were quite practical about it, at first. We wanted to please our families, both sides of which had been urging us to get married for a while now. We wanted, honestly, the gifts that come with a big wedding, to help set ourselves up for the rest of our lives as a couple and, hopefully, parents. And we wanted to have a party, but that was a secondary consideration.
Now that we find ourselves in the thick of wedding planning, our friends in our wedding party--one of whom is officiating our wedding, and others who are helping us do the logistical stuff--are asking for our vision for our relationship and therefore our ceremony and reception, and we find ourselves looking at each other and realizing that we need to think about that a while before we can articulate it to others. What is our vision for our relationship, for our marriage, for the next phase of our life together that we're embarking on? As a friend asked us this question just today at our wedding planning meeting, I found myself realizing, 'Wow, this is really more than just pleasing our family or having a big, fun, splashy party.' I was reminded yet again that this whole process is about us setting intentions for the future, about visualizing a life together that is about our values, our beliefs, our work in the world, our community.
Not that I ever had any doubt that our wedding or our future marriage wasn't 'real' or that we were just doing this to relieve some of the external pressure we'd been feeling. Of course, we love each other and want to make this very public commitment to each other. And the very act of deciding this, and of planning the event during which we are going to make this commitment, is to me both a statement of love as it is one of resistance to the status quo way of thinking about this stuff.
I've been ambivalent about marriage in the past, and I still think that it's a problematic institution, especially in this country, to say the least. I grew up in a very nontraditional family setting--my mom was single, I never knew my father, we lived with distant relatives and I was taken care of by people I wasn't blood-related to but who felt more like my family than anyone else--so I've never been one to devalue 'alternative' social arrangements. I don't think that a 'real' family looks like this: Dad, Mom, kids, dog / cat / other pets, and the occasional grandparent or cousin thrown in for kicks and comic relief. I believe in community as family, and in extended family that can include blood relations and people who just feel like your brothers and sisters. I also think it's ridiculous and sad that people of the same gender can't have their relationships validated by the state if they choose to make this commitment to each other.
That all said, H. and I also support people who don't choose to 'get married' or have a commitment ceremony or mark their unions in the way we are choosing to. I honestly don't know if we would be doing so if there wasn't an expectation for us to do it, or if we hadn't been to such cool weddings and ceremonies that inspired us in the past. Even though I've written in this blog before that the act of planning our wedding has brought us closer, I think I really could've done without the headaches and the details and the planning if I could still feel that our community and family would validate our relationship in the same way without a wedding. But the reality is that, for some of them, they won't. And you can't really ask your friends for money to buy a house unless you get married--or at least, I don't think I could, no matter how good of a fundraiser I am!
I guess all this is a lead-up to what I really wanted to say, which is that I am marrying H. and going through the troubles and travails (and joys and light moments too) of planning a semi-big wedding with him because, simply, I love him. And he loves me. And we want to have our one day where we proclaim that to the world, loudly and proudly, in a way that reflects our values and our community. For all my ambivalence and complaining at times, I can't wait to marry H. Can't wait to dress up, and see all our friends and family there, and say our vows, and eat good food (including a Filipino roast pig, or lechon) and watch him DJ in his wedding duds, and salsa dance with him and the rest of our crew.
Six months to go! I really can't wait.
Now that we find ourselves in the thick of wedding planning, our friends in our wedding party--one of whom is officiating our wedding, and others who are helping us do the logistical stuff--are asking for our vision for our relationship and therefore our ceremony and reception, and we find ourselves looking at each other and realizing that we need to think about that a while before we can articulate it to others. What is our vision for our relationship, for our marriage, for the next phase of our life together that we're embarking on? As a friend asked us this question just today at our wedding planning meeting, I found myself realizing, 'Wow, this is really more than just pleasing our family or having a big, fun, splashy party.' I was reminded yet again that this whole process is about us setting intentions for the future, about visualizing a life together that is about our values, our beliefs, our work in the world, our community.
Not that I ever had any doubt that our wedding or our future marriage wasn't 'real' or that we were just doing this to relieve some of the external pressure we'd been feeling. Of course, we love each other and want to make this very public commitment to each other. And the very act of deciding this, and of planning the event during which we are going to make this commitment, is to me both a statement of love as it is one of resistance to the status quo way of thinking about this stuff.
I've been ambivalent about marriage in the past, and I still think that it's a problematic institution, especially in this country, to say the least. I grew up in a very nontraditional family setting--my mom was single, I never knew my father, we lived with distant relatives and I was taken care of by people I wasn't blood-related to but who felt more like my family than anyone else--so I've never been one to devalue 'alternative' social arrangements. I don't think that a 'real' family looks like this: Dad, Mom, kids, dog / cat / other pets, and the occasional grandparent or cousin thrown in for kicks and comic relief. I believe in community as family, and in extended family that can include blood relations and people who just feel like your brothers and sisters. I also think it's ridiculous and sad that people of the same gender can't have their relationships validated by the state if they choose to make this commitment to each other.
That all said, H. and I also support people who don't choose to 'get married' or have a commitment ceremony or mark their unions in the way we are choosing to. I honestly don't know if we would be doing so if there wasn't an expectation for us to do it, or if we hadn't been to such cool weddings and ceremonies that inspired us in the past. Even though I've written in this blog before that the act of planning our wedding has brought us closer, I think I really could've done without the headaches and the details and the planning if I could still feel that our community and family would validate our relationship in the same way without a wedding. But the reality is that, for some of them, they won't. And you can't really ask your friends for money to buy a house unless you get married--or at least, I don't think I could, no matter how good of a fundraiser I am!
I guess all this is a lead-up to what I really wanted to say, which is that I am marrying H. and going through the troubles and travails (and joys and light moments too) of planning a semi-big wedding with him because, simply, I love him. And he loves me. And we want to have our one day where we proclaim that to the world, loudly and proudly, in a way that reflects our values and our community. For all my ambivalence and complaining at times, I can't wait to marry H. Can't wait to dress up, and see all our friends and family there, and say our vows, and eat good food (including a Filipino roast pig, or lechon) and watch him DJ in his wedding duds, and salsa dance with him and the rest of our crew.
Six months to go! I really can't wait.
posted by Rona Fernandez | 6:16 PM
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