Who the Hell is a Size 0!

I've been scouring eBay looking for 'my' wedding dress--I've tried on a few that I like, see below, and am also looking for a reception dress that's shorter and less formal so I can dance the night away after the ceremony--and I have to say that it's weird how many 'size 0' or 2 or 4 dresses I'm finding. Given that I was a fairly petite size 6 for most of the last 10 years (and recently have graduated to a more 'voluptuous' size 8!), I'm really shocked that there are THAT many women out there who can actually fit into a size 0 bridal gown, especially given that they are usually sized SMALLER than street clothes! Which means, what are these women wearing in street clothes, size -4?

Are these women just extremely tiny, bird-like even, or are they starving themselves so they can 'look good' on their wedding day? I have to admit--as much as my so-called radical feminist side would like to deny this--that I want to lose a few pounds for the wedding so I can look good in the pictures, but I highly doubt I'll drop a dress size. More toned arms and back, yes, but going from an 8 to a 6, don't think so! That would just be too weird.

But there is a lot of this 'bridal bootcamp' mentality on the wedding sites I see. It's sad to me, but also a little understandable, as there is so much pressure on the bride to 'look her best' on her wedding day, as all eyes will be on her. I hope to divert a little of this attention away from me and to my hot husband-to-be, who will look dashing I'm sure, and is a much bigger clothes-horse than I am. It's a lot of scrutiny to be put under, especially as someone who doesn't particularly enjoy people staring at me (who does except for models?). But I'm trying not to freak out about it.

As for the size 0, 2 and 4 women out there--I tend to like your dresses darn it! Can some of the bigger women out there start selling their dresses on eBay please! There is really NOTHING wrong with admitting you're a size 8 or bigger.

The Heart of the Matter

It's funny, when H. and I decided to get married--there was no formal 'proposal', we were just sitting at our kitchen table and I brought up the idea of having a wedding, and we talked about it and then decided--we were quite practical about it, at first. We wanted to please our families, both sides of which had been urging us to get married for a while now. We wanted, honestly, the gifts that come with a big wedding, to help set ourselves up for the rest of our lives as a couple and, hopefully, parents. And we wanted to have a party, but that was a secondary consideration.

Now that we find ourselves in the thick of wedding planning, our friends in our wedding party--one of whom is officiating our wedding, and others who are helping us do the logistical stuff--are asking for our vision for our relationship and therefore our ceremony and reception, and we find ourselves looking at each other and realizing that we need to think about that a while before we can articulate it to others. What is our vision for our relationship, for our marriage, for the next phase of our life together that we're embarking on? As a friend asked us this question just today at our wedding planning meeting, I found myself realizing, 'Wow, this is really more than just pleasing our family or having a big, fun, splashy party.' I was reminded yet again that this whole process is about us setting intentions for the future, about visualizing a life together that is about our values, our beliefs, our work in the world, our community.

Not that I ever had any doubt that our wedding or our future marriage wasn't 'real' or that we were just doing this to relieve some of the external pressure we'd been feeling. Of course, we love each other and want to make this very public commitment to each other. And the very act of deciding this, and of planning the event during which we are going to make this commitment, is to me both a statement of love as it is one of resistance to the status quo way of thinking about this stuff.

I've been ambivalent about marriage in the past, and I still think that it's a problematic institution, especially in this country, to say the least. I grew up in a very nontraditional family setting--my mom was single, I never knew my father, we lived with distant relatives and I was taken care of by people I wasn't blood-related to but who felt more like my family than anyone else--so I've never been one to devalue 'alternative' social arrangements. I don't think that a 'real' family looks like this: Dad, Mom, kids, dog / cat / other pets, and the occasional grandparent or cousin thrown in for kicks and comic relief. I believe in community as family, and in extended family that can include blood relations and people who just feel like your brothers and sisters. I also think it's ridiculous and sad that people of the same gender can't have their relationships validated by the state if they choose to make this commitment to each other.

That all said, H. and I also support people who don't choose to 'get married' or have a commitment ceremony or mark their unions in the way we are choosing to. I honestly don't know if we would be doing so if there wasn't an expectation for us to do it, or if we hadn't been to such cool weddings and ceremonies that inspired us in the past. Even though I've written in this blog before that the act of planning our wedding has brought us closer, I think I really could've done without the headaches and the details and the planning if I could still feel that our community and family would validate our relationship in the same way without a wedding. But the reality is that, for some of them, they won't. And you can't really ask your friends for money to buy a house unless you get married--or at least, I don't think I could, no matter how good of a fundraiser I am!

I guess all this is a lead-up to what I really wanted to say, which is that I am marrying H. and going through the troubles and travails (and joys and light moments too) of planning a semi-big wedding with him because, simply, I love him. And he loves me. And we want to have our one day where we proclaim that to the world, loudly and proudly, in a way that reflects our values and our community. For all my ambivalence and complaining at times, I can't wait to marry H. Can't wait to dress up, and see all our friends and family there, and say our vows, and eat good food (including a Filipino roast pig, or lechon) and watch him DJ in his wedding duds, and salsa dance with him and the rest of our crew.

Six months to go! I really can't wait.

Narrowing it Down

I've got my eye on two dresses for the wedding ceremony (I'm planning to change into a different, more danceable, cocktail-party style dress for the reception), both of which are from Siri, a fabulous San Francisco-based woman designer whose dresses are both simple and elegant. After getting bleary-eyed from staring at all the awful images of beaded, Cinderella-at-the-ball, poufy taffeta and lace gowns on the Internet, it was so refreshing to go try on Siri's dresses at The Wedding Party in Berkeley. I just got back from my second trip there, this time with M., who also tried on a few frocks, and I'm happy to say that I'm starting to get clear on what I want my dress to look and feel like. But because H. is being strangely old-fashioned (although I'm not complaining about it) and doesn't want to see my dress before the wedding, I'm not going to post any images here. Suffice it to say that my top choices make me look smashing if I do say so myself, aren't too froofy, over-the-top feminine, and are not very expensive (as bridal dresses go anyway).

This bridal salon is perfect for someone like me. Clara, the woman who helped us, is efficient, focused, sincere and enthusiastic about the whole process. I get the sense that she thoroughly enjoys her job. I couldn't believe how much information she had in her brain about the wedding dresses they carry. And she knows how to give compliments without being overly gushy or cloying. That means a lot. One thing I've realized in the process of planning our wedding is that I really HATE it when vendors act like they're more happy about our wedding than we are, or say silly pseudo-romantic things as if we really want to hear them. We've tended to 'vibe' the vendors that we're dealing with--from the venue reps to the photographer to the people selling us our clothes--and I have definitely leaned towards wanting to work with the people that are more real and less likely to ask stupid questions like, 'So tell me how he proposed?' Sometimes it feels insulting to my intelligence how gushy these folks can be. Like the photographer who emailed us after our meeting and said, 'You two are ADORABLE together!' I was like, 'Come on!'

I bet we're lucky being in the Bay Area because there are probably more cool, 'alternative' type wedding vendors out here than in lots of other parts of the world. At least I like to think so. It's relatively easy to find people who are cool with non-traditional weddings, thanks to the whole gay-marriage craze of the last few years, and the relatively high number of radical activists, hippies and former hippies and other non-mainstream people in the Bay. And that's cool.

So wish me luck. If I want to buy my dress from The Wedding Party, I need to place my order in April. Yikes! That's not that far away. I'm excited about it but a little nervous. Each big purchase makes the whole thing just that much more real.