Three Weeks Left!

I was looking at our wedding web page and saw that we only have 23 days left until the big day! I can't believe it. We're fairly on track with all of our preparations--I gotta say, ordering food for our buffet dinner reception from Chinatown is super-convenient, affordable and fairly hassle-free (so far!)--and I'm picking up my dress next week. I haven't had any major meltdowns, and I've even come up with some potential new career options, learned that putting on makeup can be fun and not ruinous to my skin (more on this in a future blog post hopefully), and realized who my true friends really are.

Not bad side-consequences of planning a big wedding! I even think that maybe someday I'd like to write a book for brides (and maybe even grooms) about how to keep your sanity and stay grounded as you plan your wedding. I feel like most of the books I've seen out there are either just about planning, are satirical or serious etiquette books, or are about how to be happy in your marriage. The book I'd want to write would have elements of all those books, but really be focused on how you can stay true to yourself in your wedding planning, and use the process as an opportunity for self-discovery.

It sounds kinda new-agey and sentimental, but it's really true--I've learned a lot about myself and about H., and about our relationship, over the past year of planning. It's been fun and great at times, and it's been draining and even emotionally painful at other times, but it's always been a revealing process.

Wish us luck--we'll need it as we wind down to the big day!

And the Drama Continues to Unfold...

The whole wedding guest-list thing is a bit too stressful for me right now. I really wish I could invite everyone and anyone to my wedding, and be able to pay for it and not worry that my Auntie So-and-So who's known me since I was in my mother's belly would have her seat usurped by some random friend-of-a-friend that's crashing the party. Call me old-fashioned, but I really think we need to pay more respect to our elders, and I really think that women who used to change my diapers should get precedence over people whose first names I don't know when it comes to attendance at my wedding.

That said, I'm trying to continue to be gracious and understanding and sympathetic, but it's all a bit trying. The RSVP deadline past three weeks ago and we're still waiting for some people to respond. Sigh. At this point, I'm just assuming people who haven't responded aren't coming. I figure I shouldn't need to chase people down to ask them if they're coming to my wedding. And hey, there's some ledges on the patio outside the reception hall that people can always lean on if they show up un-RSVP'd and we don't have room for them.

Honestly, I can't wait 'til our wedding day. Partially because I want to get all dressed up and pretty and I want to have the big party and I want to see H. in his new suit (I'm not seeing his outfit 'til the ceremony and vice versa) and I want to see all these people from different parts of our lives all in the same room together. And it's partially because i just want all the pre-wedding planning, detail-obsession, weird potential or real friend/family-drama, and stress to be over. Over, over, over! I can see why some women wig out and become so-called 'Bridezillas'. And I think it's also really unfair and sexist to target and label women that way and at the same time put so many expectations on them to have perfect weddings, know and practice good etiquette as if they were born with the text of Miss Manners' books burned into their brains, be gracious and charming and pretty all the time, and be happy every minute that they're engaged or in the process of getting married. Having had a friend imply that I was acting Bridezilla-ish myself, I think it's a totally f**ked-up way to stereotype women who just want to have a nice wedding.

Granted, I haven't watched the TV show and I'm sure there are women who are super over-the-top about their wishes and needs on their wedding day. But I'm far from being a high-maintenance bride myself. I'm not paying thousands of dollars on my wedding gown. I'm doing my own makeup. My bridesmaids' dresses are sort of the same color family but I didn't dictate what they had to wear. And a friend of mine has taken charge of all the decorations with both H. and my blessing and thanks, and we're not micromanaging her at all.

I know I'm not as laid-back about it as some brides I've known, but it also is really interesting to see how much people are unwilling to involve my husband in the process of talking about the wedding, despite the fact that we have a very egalitarian relationship and he's much more involved in wedding planning than many men. I've had people--mostly progressive women of color, too, I might add, who probably consider themselves staunch feminists--ask the most basic questions about our wedding and look straight at me while my husband-to-be stands right next to me, and act like he doesn't exist or at least could never know the answer to a question like, 'What colors are you using for your wedding?' I want to say, "Um, he's getting married too" or "He designed the frickin' invitations!" It's so fascinating and irritating how much people want to focus on the bride.

But enough ranting for now. I think I'm going to give myself a little break tomorrow from doing anything wedding-related. We're on a good roll--H. has really stepped up his game a lot, he's actually in the other room right now scanning old photos for our slideshow at the reception--so I think I deserve a little break. There'll be plenty to do over the weekend!

We're Legal!

So H. and I had our legal wedding ceremony at the ornate and elegant San Francisco City Hall rotunda this past Wednesday, accompanied only by three of our close friends (who are also in our wedding party). We had a great time, especially watching all the same-sex couples get married. I wanted to take pictures of them more than I wanted to have pictures taken of us, since their weddings are truly historic and represent an important part of the advancement of civil rights in California and in the nation. But alas, it would've been slightly rude and probably way more distracting and irritating than flattering to bother all these couples and ask if we could document their weddings. I did take a picture of one lesbian couple who were by themselves, but only with their camera. I was happy to help!

We decided to do a legal ceremony before the 'real', big-day wedding ceremony for a few reasons: 1) All of our 'real' wedding stuff is happening in the East Bay, and H. is a Frisco native and we wanted to acknowledge his hometown; 2) It seemed really cool to get married in SF City Hall during all this gay marriage hoopla--and it was!; and 3) I'm superstitious and knew that getting married in August was supposed to be good luck according to Chinese tradition because of the number 8 (although we were too late to book 8/8/08 for our City Hall wedding). And although this wasn't one of the reasons we decided to do this smaller legal ceremony first, I am now thankful we did it this way, because the overwhelm of realizing you're married may have been too much to deal with for the first time on my actual wedding day. This way, we get to kind of ease into it a little bit.

We filled out some paperwork, waited in line a lot (although not too long, for the City seems really prepared to churn out weddings like hot cakes these days, and good thing because there were a lot of people getting married that day!), had our witnesses sign our marriage certificate, and then traipsed up to the small antechamber at the top of the grand marble staircase in the City Hall rotunda where marriage ceremonies take place. It was a sweet, romantic and intimate moment that H. and I were very happy to share with our friends A., M. and R. (yeah I know, initials are irritating and mysterious but I'm too paranoid to put people's actual names on here!). And then H. and I went and had a casual but yummy lunch at the Ferry Building, walked around downtown, went to see Wall-E again, then took the ferry back to Oakland, then ended with another nice meal at Breads of India, then dessert at one of my favorite restaurants, B Restaurant, both in Old Oakland.

Here are a few photos from the day. And yes, we were (and are) very very happy. Thanks to all the folks who've sent us their good wishes via Facebook or otherwise. Enjoy!





Filling out paperwork. A cold, bureaucratic process, but necessary. Doing paperwork, ironically, made both H. and I feel more 'serious' about the whole thing I think.


H. walking up the stairway of the rotunda.



On the ferry ride on our way back to Oakland, acting touristy. We asked a real tourist to take our photo.