The Transformation of Stress into...Excitement!
I had a moment this morning, laying in bed at 6:45am, where I started spontaneously thinking about who was going to walk me down the aisle. As some of you may know, I don't really have a 'father'--my biological father having abandoned my mother and I before I was born and my step-father having been abusive; I'm not inviting either to the wedding. And even if I did, the whole idea of being 'given away' by someone seems disturbing and just not authentic to how I've chosen to live my life.
So I lay there thinking about the possible friends and other relatives who could, in my mind, 'escort' me down the aisle instead of give me away, and for a minute I thought, "This is ridiculous that I'm thinking about this at 6:45am on a Wednesday morning, before I've even gotten out of bed!" But then I breathed and paid attention to the feelings in my body, and realized that not only was I not feeling stressed about this spontaneous, type-A thinking--stress for me usually shows up as tightness in the chest and shoulders, and a sense of not being able to breathe properly--but I was actually feeling happy...no JOYOUS to be thinking about this not-minor detail of our wedding ceremony.
As I posted below, H. and I have had our share of stressful moments the last few weeks re: wedding stuff. So it was really beautiful to feel, finally, this morning, a sense of lightness and levity in the midst of my OCD detail-planning thinking. I was actually HAPPY to be having that moment, and let myself feel excited and yes, even girlishly giddy, about getting to decide who was going to escort me down the aisle. It wasn't stressful anymore, it wasn't something I was somewhat ashamed of (not having a father that one can be proud of is definitely not something most people want to brag about). I guess I experienced what might be called a transformative or revelatory moment, where the shining, simple essence of this big, sprawling, complicated event and planning process was perfectly clear to me: I'm getting married to the man I love, in front of our friends and family, and I'm frickin' HAPPY about it!
I'm going to sit with this feeling for a while, and enjoy it. I'm sure it will pass, but I'm also sure it will return, and I'll be sure to breathe and to bask in it when it does.
So I lay there thinking about the possible friends and other relatives who could, in my mind, 'escort' me down the aisle instead of give me away, and for a minute I thought, "This is ridiculous that I'm thinking about this at 6:45am on a Wednesday morning, before I've even gotten out of bed!" But then I breathed and paid attention to the feelings in my body, and realized that not only was I not feeling stressed about this spontaneous, type-A thinking--stress for me usually shows up as tightness in the chest and shoulders, and a sense of not being able to breathe properly--but I was actually feeling happy...no JOYOUS to be thinking about this not-minor detail of our wedding ceremony.
As I posted below, H. and I have had our share of stressful moments the last few weeks re: wedding stuff. So it was really beautiful to feel, finally, this morning, a sense of lightness and levity in the midst of my OCD detail-planning thinking. I was actually HAPPY to be having that moment, and let myself feel excited and yes, even girlishly giddy, about getting to decide who was going to escort me down the aisle. It wasn't stressful anymore, it wasn't something I was somewhat ashamed of (not having a father that one can be proud of is definitely not something most people want to brag about). I guess I experienced what might be called a transformative or revelatory moment, where the shining, simple essence of this big, sprawling, complicated event and planning process was perfectly clear to me: I'm getting married to the man I love, in front of our friends and family, and I'm frickin' HAPPY about it!
I'm going to sit with this feeling for a while, and enjoy it. I'm sure it will pass, but I'm also sure it will return, and I'll be sure to breathe and to bask in it when it does.
Labels: excitement, father, happy, real meaning, stress
posted by Rona Fernandez | 7:05 AM
1 Comments:
I'm with both og you 100%! It's so funny how us non-traditionals sometimes chatize ourselves for this wedding stuff when, really, it's in our blood. All the meaning and community and art that *makes* a wedding. Really, its a great big cup of *our* tea!
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