(Probably Not-So) Final Thoughts Before the Big Day

I didn't think I'd be able to blog one more time before the big, 'real' wedding day, but my unwanted habit/disposition towards being an insomniac the night before a major event I'm coordinating has got me sitting at my laptop at almost 3am after tossing and turning and getting only a few minutes' sleep.

No, I'm not enjoying being awake, but when I can't sleep it usually means I need to get something off my chest or out of my hand or out of my head before I can truly relax, and rest. And on this particularly special and unique night, before I can let go and let other people take care of all the myriad details and planning nuances of one of the most high-profile days of my life.

This 'letting go' is no mean feat for me. I'm a total Type-A, perfectionist, near-workaholic independent, modern woman. I pride myself on getting shit done, on accomplishing things, on checking off all those tasks on my to-do list. This gives me a sense of identity, purpose and responsibility. It makes me feel important. Thus, having friends or others tell me to let go and let them do things for me--as much as intellectually I appreciate their sentiment and generosity--is one of the hardest things for me to do. For what am I if I'm not frantically getting things done and checking off my to-do list? Who am I if I'm just relaxing and not accomplishing? What the hell am I supposed to do--just SIT there?

Well, being the bride is not just about 'sitting there', of course. I have to also look pretty, smile, maybe shed a few sincerely felt tears of happiness, and be gracious to all my guests. I have to be sweet and happy to be holding my partner's hand. I must let go and let others take care of me.

The fact that I am still up at 3am writing this after my wedding party---a beautiful, competent, brilliant lot of friends if there ever was one--told me to leave the reception hall at 10pm tonite so I could rest while they finished up all the preparations tonite, says a lot about my difficulty with letting go. H., my fiance/husband, is fast asleep--he can knock out so quickly it still shocks me. And now I'm worrying about having puffy eyes tomorrow and ruining the awesome job that my esthetician did with my facial the other day, and am SO glad that I got that Bobbi Brown concealer to cover up any dark circles under my peepers.

So yes, letting go is hard for me. I keep obsessing over whether my wedding crew will know which table cloths go on which tables--it's more complicated than it sounds--or over whether I'll have enough time to finish packing my day-bag of goodies (makeup, perfume, extra bobby pins, etc.), or whether I'll forget something important like my vows! All these details have a part of me wondering why H. and I chose to take on this huge wedding task in the first place.

But then I think about how, even tonite at the ceremony rehearsal, my mom started crying when we practiced the parents' blessing. And how the children who helped practice the children's blessing tonite were so excited to be handing us pretend flowers, and how sweet it felt to give them each a hug after they did. And I think about how cool it's going to be to see all our friends and family gathered in one place, how cool it was to see my sisters and my bridesmaids and my mom and my other friends all together tonite at the reception hall for the decorations-making party, hanging out and working together, eating pizza, having fun.

And while that makes me feel better and more excited, unfortunately it only makes my insomnia worse! Because I get so excited about tomorrow (which is now really today), that I feel like a little kid on Christmas Eve who can't get to sleep because Santa Claus is coming.

So I guess it's time to practice some self-parenting and tell myself that Santa won't come if I don't go to sleep. Plus, a bride with puffy, dark bags under her eyes is not a pretty site to behold. Let's hope my vanity gets the best of me, just this one time.

Our First Wedding

Just booked the venue and officiant (sort of) for our first wedding, which I'm proud to say will be taking place at the elegantly beautiful and historic San Francisco City Hall. The pic above I snatched off some web site (it didn't look copyrighted, okay?). We probably won't be lucky enough to have our ceremony under the rotunda, which is where the photo above is taken, but that's fine with me. The Hall has been made famous in recent years because of the big gay marriage legalization drama, which makes me even more proud to be having our first wedding here. Here's another, public photo of the front of the building:





H. and I decided to have two wedding ceremonies because:

1) we wanted to cover our Chinese pseudo-astrological 'good luck' base with a wedding in August, which is supposed to be an auspicious month for weddings because the number '8' sounds like the word for prosperity (I think). So a lot of people are getting married on August 8, 2008 (8/8/08) to take advantage of this. We waited too long and had to settle for a slightly different date, but it's all good. August is what matters!

2) We wanted to get married in San Francisco, at least this way, because it would've been super-expensive and logistically challenging to have our 'real' (aka big) wedding in the City. Most of our family and friends live in the East Bay or even further away from Frisco, but since H. is a proud Frisco native we wanted to at least have one wedding in his hometown.

And I've been home sick for the better part of this past week, today with a raging phlegm-producing cough that makes me sound like a 60-year-old chainsmoking lounge lizard. But being forced to stay indoors is helping me get a lot of wedding stuff done. Invitations are going out this week (finally! And thanks to our fabulous wedding crew for helping us assemble the suckers) and I am going to be booking our event waitstaff for the reception as well. Only three more months to go!

The Transformation of Stress into...Excitement!

I had a moment this morning, laying in bed at 6:45am, where I started spontaneously thinking about who was going to walk me down the aisle. As some of you may know, I don't really have a 'father'--my biological father having abandoned my mother and I before I was born and my step-father having been abusive; I'm not inviting either to the wedding. And even if I did, the whole idea of being 'given away' by someone seems disturbing and just not authentic to how I've chosen to live my life.

So I lay there thinking about the possible friends and other relatives who could, in my mind, 'escort' me down the aisle instead of give me away, and for a minute I thought, "This is ridiculous that I'm thinking about this at 6:45am on a Wednesday morning, before I've even gotten out of bed!" But then I breathed and paid attention to the feelings in my body, and realized that not only was I not feeling stressed about this spontaneous, type-A thinking--stress for me usually shows up as tightness in the chest and shoulders, and a sense of not being able to breathe properly--but I was actually feeling happy...no JOYOUS to be thinking about this not-minor detail of our wedding ceremony.

As I posted below, H. and I have had our share of stressful moments the last few weeks re: wedding stuff. So it was really beautiful to feel, finally, this morning, a sense of lightness and levity in the midst of my OCD detail-planning thinking. I was actually HAPPY to be having that moment, and let myself feel excited and yes, even girlishly giddy, about getting to decide who was going to escort me down the aisle. It wasn't stressful anymore, it wasn't something I was somewhat ashamed of (not having a father that one can be proud of is definitely not something most people want to brag about). I guess I experienced what might be called a transformative or revelatory moment, where the shining, simple essence of this big, sprawling, complicated event and planning process was perfectly clear to me: I'm getting married to the man I love, in front of our friends and family, and I'm frickin' HAPPY about it!

I'm going to sit with this feeling for a while, and enjoy it. I'm sure it will pass, but I'm also sure it will return, and I'll be sure to breathe and to bask in it when it does.