(Probably Not-So) Final Thoughts Before the Big Day

I didn't think I'd be able to blog one more time before the big, 'real' wedding day, but my unwanted habit/disposition towards being an insomniac the night before a major event I'm coordinating has got me sitting at my laptop at almost 3am after tossing and turning and getting only a few minutes' sleep.

No, I'm not enjoying being awake, but when I can't sleep it usually means I need to get something off my chest or out of my hand or out of my head before I can truly relax, and rest. And on this particularly special and unique night, before I can let go and let other people take care of all the myriad details and planning nuances of one of the most high-profile days of my life.

This 'letting go' is no mean feat for me. I'm a total Type-A, perfectionist, near-workaholic independent, modern woman. I pride myself on getting shit done, on accomplishing things, on checking off all those tasks on my to-do list. This gives me a sense of identity, purpose and responsibility. It makes me feel important. Thus, having friends or others tell me to let go and let them do things for me--as much as intellectually I appreciate their sentiment and generosity--is one of the hardest things for me to do. For what am I if I'm not frantically getting things done and checking off my to-do list? Who am I if I'm just relaxing and not accomplishing? What the hell am I supposed to do--just SIT there?

Well, being the bride is not just about 'sitting there', of course. I have to also look pretty, smile, maybe shed a few sincerely felt tears of happiness, and be gracious to all my guests. I have to be sweet and happy to be holding my partner's hand. I must let go and let others take care of me.

The fact that I am still up at 3am writing this after my wedding party---a beautiful, competent, brilliant lot of friends if there ever was one--told me to leave the reception hall at 10pm tonite so I could rest while they finished up all the preparations tonite, says a lot about my difficulty with letting go. H., my fiance/husband, is fast asleep--he can knock out so quickly it still shocks me. And now I'm worrying about having puffy eyes tomorrow and ruining the awesome job that my esthetician did with my facial the other day, and am SO glad that I got that Bobbi Brown concealer to cover up any dark circles under my peepers.

So yes, letting go is hard for me. I keep obsessing over whether my wedding crew will know which table cloths go on which tables--it's more complicated than it sounds--or over whether I'll have enough time to finish packing my day-bag of goodies (makeup, perfume, extra bobby pins, etc.), or whether I'll forget something important like my vows! All these details have a part of me wondering why H. and I chose to take on this huge wedding task in the first place.

But then I think about how, even tonite at the ceremony rehearsal, my mom started crying when we practiced the parents' blessing. And how the children who helped practice the children's blessing tonite were so excited to be handing us pretend flowers, and how sweet it felt to give them each a hug after they did. And I think about how cool it's going to be to see all our friends and family gathered in one place, how cool it was to see my sisters and my bridesmaids and my mom and my other friends all together tonite at the reception hall for the decorations-making party, hanging out and working together, eating pizza, having fun.

And while that makes me feel better and more excited, unfortunately it only makes my insomnia worse! Because I get so excited about tomorrow (which is now really today), that I feel like a little kid on Christmas Eve who can't get to sleep because Santa Claus is coming.

So I guess it's time to practice some self-parenting and tell myself that Santa won't come if I don't go to sleep. Plus, a bride with puffy, dark bags under her eyes is not a pretty site to behold. Let's hope my vanity gets the best of me, just this one time.

And the Drama Continues to Unfold...

The whole wedding guest-list thing is a bit too stressful for me right now. I really wish I could invite everyone and anyone to my wedding, and be able to pay for it and not worry that my Auntie So-and-So who's known me since I was in my mother's belly would have her seat usurped by some random friend-of-a-friend that's crashing the party. Call me old-fashioned, but I really think we need to pay more respect to our elders, and I really think that women who used to change my diapers should get precedence over people whose first names I don't know when it comes to attendance at my wedding.

That said, I'm trying to continue to be gracious and understanding and sympathetic, but it's all a bit trying. The RSVP deadline past three weeks ago and we're still waiting for some people to respond. Sigh. At this point, I'm just assuming people who haven't responded aren't coming. I figure I shouldn't need to chase people down to ask them if they're coming to my wedding. And hey, there's some ledges on the patio outside the reception hall that people can always lean on if they show up un-RSVP'd and we don't have room for them.

Honestly, I can't wait 'til our wedding day. Partially because I want to get all dressed up and pretty and I want to have the big party and I want to see H. in his new suit (I'm not seeing his outfit 'til the ceremony and vice versa) and I want to see all these people from different parts of our lives all in the same room together. And it's partially because i just want all the pre-wedding planning, detail-obsession, weird potential or real friend/family-drama, and stress to be over. Over, over, over! I can see why some women wig out and become so-called 'Bridezillas'. And I think it's also really unfair and sexist to target and label women that way and at the same time put so many expectations on them to have perfect weddings, know and practice good etiquette as if they were born with the text of Miss Manners' books burned into their brains, be gracious and charming and pretty all the time, and be happy every minute that they're engaged or in the process of getting married. Having had a friend imply that I was acting Bridezilla-ish myself, I think it's a totally f**ked-up way to stereotype women who just want to have a nice wedding.

Granted, I haven't watched the TV show and I'm sure there are women who are super over-the-top about their wishes and needs on their wedding day. But I'm far from being a high-maintenance bride myself. I'm not paying thousands of dollars on my wedding gown. I'm doing my own makeup. My bridesmaids' dresses are sort of the same color family but I didn't dictate what they had to wear. And a friend of mine has taken charge of all the decorations with both H. and my blessing and thanks, and we're not micromanaging her at all.

I know I'm not as laid-back about it as some brides I've known, but it also is really interesting to see how much people are unwilling to involve my husband in the process of talking about the wedding, despite the fact that we have a very egalitarian relationship and he's much more involved in wedding planning than many men. I've had people--mostly progressive women of color, too, I might add, who probably consider themselves staunch feminists--ask the most basic questions about our wedding and look straight at me while my husband-to-be stands right next to me, and act like he doesn't exist or at least could never know the answer to a question like, 'What colors are you using for your wedding?' I want to say, "Um, he's getting married too" or "He designed the frickin' invitations!" It's so fascinating and irritating how much people want to focus on the bride.

But enough ranting for now. I think I'm going to give myself a little break tomorrow from doing anything wedding-related. We're on a good roll--H. has really stepped up his game a lot, he's actually in the other room right now scanning old photos for our slideshow at the reception--so I think I deserve a little break. There'll be plenty to do over the weekend!

The Transformation of Stress into...Excitement!

I had a moment this morning, laying in bed at 6:45am, where I started spontaneously thinking about who was going to walk me down the aisle. As some of you may know, I don't really have a 'father'--my biological father having abandoned my mother and I before I was born and my step-father having been abusive; I'm not inviting either to the wedding. And even if I did, the whole idea of being 'given away' by someone seems disturbing and just not authentic to how I've chosen to live my life.

So I lay there thinking about the possible friends and other relatives who could, in my mind, 'escort' me down the aisle instead of give me away, and for a minute I thought, "This is ridiculous that I'm thinking about this at 6:45am on a Wednesday morning, before I've even gotten out of bed!" But then I breathed and paid attention to the feelings in my body, and realized that not only was I not feeling stressed about this spontaneous, type-A thinking--stress for me usually shows up as tightness in the chest and shoulders, and a sense of not being able to breathe properly--but I was actually feeling happy...no JOYOUS to be thinking about this not-minor detail of our wedding ceremony.

As I posted below, H. and I have had our share of stressful moments the last few weeks re: wedding stuff. So it was really beautiful to feel, finally, this morning, a sense of lightness and levity in the midst of my OCD detail-planning thinking. I was actually HAPPY to be having that moment, and let myself feel excited and yes, even girlishly giddy, about getting to decide who was going to escort me down the aisle. It wasn't stressful anymore, it wasn't something I was somewhat ashamed of (not having a father that one can be proud of is definitely not something most people want to brag about). I guess I experienced what might be called a transformative or revelatory moment, where the shining, simple essence of this big, sprawling, complicated event and planning process was perfectly clear to me: I'm getting married to the man I love, in front of our friends and family, and I'm frickin' HAPPY about it!

I'm going to sit with this feeling for a while, and enjoy it. I'm sure it will pass, but I'm also sure it will return, and I'll be sure to breathe and to bask in it when it does.