(Probably Not-So) Final Thoughts Before the Big Day

I didn't think I'd be able to blog one more time before the big, 'real' wedding day, but my unwanted habit/disposition towards being an insomniac the night before a major event I'm coordinating has got me sitting at my laptop at almost 3am after tossing and turning and getting only a few minutes' sleep.

No, I'm not enjoying being awake, but when I can't sleep it usually means I need to get something off my chest or out of my hand or out of my head before I can truly relax, and rest. And on this particularly special and unique night, before I can let go and let other people take care of all the myriad details and planning nuances of one of the most high-profile days of my life.

This 'letting go' is no mean feat for me. I'm a total Type-A, perfectionist, near-workaholic independent, modern woman. I pride myself on getting shit done, on accomplishing things, on checking off all those tasks on my to-do list. This gives me a sense of identity, purpose and responsibility. It makes me feel important. Thus, having friends or others tell me to let go and let them do things for me--as much as intellectually I appreciate their sentiment and generosity--is one of the hardest things for me to do. For what am I if I'm not frantically getting things done and checking off my to-do list? Who am I if I'm just relaxing and not accomplishing? What the hell am I supposed to do--just SIT there?

Well, being the bride is not just about 'sitting there', of course. I have to also look pretty, smile, maybe shed a few sincerely felt tears of happiness, and be gracious to all my guests. I have to be sweet and happy to be holding my partner's hand. I must let go and let others take care of me.

The fact that I am still up at 3am writing this after my wedding party---a beautiful, competent, brilliant lot of friends if there ever was one--told me to leave the reception hall at 10pm tonite so I could rest while they finished up all the preparations tonite, says a lot about my difficulty with letting go. H., my fiance/husband, is fast asleep--he can knock out so quickly it still shocks me. And now I'm worrying about having puffy eyes tomorrow and ruining the awesome job that my esthetician did with my facial the other day, and am SO glad that I got that Bobbi Brown concealer to cover up any dark circles under my peepers.

So yes, letting go is hard for me. I keep obsessing over whether my wedding crew will know which table cloths go on which tables--it's more complicated than it sounds--or over whether I'll have enough time to finish packing my day-bag of goodies (makeup, perfume, extra bobby pins, etc.), or whether I'll forget something important like my vows! All these details have a part of me wondering why H. and I chose to take on this huge wedding task in the first place.

But then I think about how, even tonite at the ceremony rehearsal, my mom started crying when we practiced the parents' blessing. And how the children who helped practice the children's blessing tonite were so excited to be handing us pretend flowers, and how sweet it felt to give them each a hug after they did. And I think about how cool it's going to be to see all our friends and family gathered in one place, how cool it was to see my sisters and my bridesmaids and my mom and my other friends all together tonite at the reception hall for the decorations-making party, hanging out and working together, eating pizza, having fun.

And while that makes me feel better and more excited, unfortunately it only makes my insomnia worse! Because I get so excited about tomorrow (which is now really today), that I feel like a little kid on Christmas Eve who can't get to sleep because Santa Claus is coming.

So I guess it's time to practice some self-parenting and tell myself that Santa won't come if I don't go to sleep. Plus, a bride with puffy, dark bags under her eyes is not a pretty site to behold. Let's hope my vanity gets the best of me, just this one time.

Bridezilla Here I Come!

I've decided that, in the grand tradition of radical political and cultural activists of color, queer people, etc. who have decided to reclaim the derogatory names that were once used to shame them (e.g. 'fag' or 'dyke' or the N-word), I am going to embrace the title 'Bridezilla'. Not because I think my needs are the only ones that matter on my wedding day--far from it, I've consulted my groom and probably way too many other people about how we should do things and where and why, etc.--but because I truly believe that Bridezilla has come to define and label and target and villify any woman who wants her wedding day to be special, and is willing to go the extra mile to make that happen.

I've already been called 'Bridezilla' by a friend who escalated an argument with me because of a misunderstanding that happened to occur at a particularly stressful period in my wedding planning, when I think I had every right to set a boundary with said friend in order to protect my sanity--in other words, to keep myself from giving in to a request that one person was making without taking into account my needs or my husband-to-be's needs. I've been casually, jokingly called Bridezilla by acquaintances whom I don't think really know how loaded of a word that is, because they asked how the planning was going and I said that I was a bit stressed out about it.

So, damnit, if that's what people are going to define as a 'Bridezilla'--a woman who knows what she wants, and who refuses to let her needs for one of the most important and high-profile days of her life be trampled on by people who can barely know what it feels like to be in her shoes, or a woman who admits to feeling stressed out by the intense work that goes into planning a full-day, 150+ person event--then, yes, I am a Bridezilla! And proud of it.

Really, I'm a Bridezilla in everyday life--a perfectionist, a high-achiever, someone who goes above and beyond the call of duty to perform well for my organization, to help my friends, and to improve my community. But for some reason, when I apply those same standards of excellence and performance to the planning of a day intended to celebrate my relationship with my life partner, all of a sudden I'm a Bridezilla. Odd, isn't it? When I'm doing all those things to help fulfill other people's needs, to take care of the payroll for my staff, or organizing a social justice conference, or what have you, then I'm a fundraising-event-coordination-rock-star-goddess.

But far be it for me to be perfectionist or stressed out about my wedding. Then I'm being a Bridezilla! Is there something wrong with this picture?

So be it then. Bridezillas of the world unite! And I'd lay money on it that there are grooms out there who are just as perfectionistic as their brides about their wedding desires. I know H. has been more picky about certain aspects of the wedding than I have. Funny, though, there's no male equivalent of the word 'Bridezilla' as far as I know.

Kind of reminds me of how there isn't really a good male equivalent for another 'B-word' that we all know and love.

OMG!! Eleven days!

It seems like the time is going by even faster now that the wedding is so close. Wasn't it just six months out just a few days ago? Now all the things I put off doing because they didn't seem that urgent are coming to bite me in the ass, like the accessories for the Filipino cord and veil ceremony which I really want to make sure we incorporate into the wedding, the only truly 'traditional' part of our otherwise spiritually and ritually eclectic ceremony. I could've bought this stuff months ago, and indeed started looking about a month ago for the veil, but got sidetracked by other, more pressing issues and thus this task got left to the bottom of the barrel. Sigh. I think we found our solution though, thanks to the Silk Road fabric store in downtown Oakland which thankfully has a beautiful selection of wedding-worthy fabrics, and is open 'til 7pm while every other fabric store (besides the kinda trashy and too-craft-oriented Joanne Fabrics in Emeryville) seems to close at 6pm--kinda hard to get to if you actually work for a living from 9-5! We're going to see if our amazing tailor, Isaac from San Francisco Tailors on Geary Blvd. near Union Square, can work his magic for us and hook us up with some finished edges on the poly-blend, embroidered organza we bought.

And I think I'm going to just go ahead and bite the bullet and buy the cord at MyBarong.com, which specializing in Filipino barongs (formalwear for men and women too sometimes) and thankfully has a nice cord for sale for less than $10.

Keep us in your thoughts and prayer and send positive energy our way! I need every bit of it now that we're really down to the wire.

Three Weeks Left!

I was looking at our wedding web page and saw that we only have 23 days left until the big day! I can't believe it. We're fairly on track with all of our preparations--I gotta say, ordering food for our buffet dinner reception from Chinatown is super-convenient, affordable and fairly hassle-free (so far!)--and I'm picking up my dress next week. I haven't had any major meltdowns, and I've even come up with some potential new career options, learned that putting on makeup can be fun and not ruinous to my skin (more on this in a future blog post hopefully), and realized who my true friends really are.

Not bad side-consequences of planning a big wedding! I even think that maybe someday I'd like to write a book for brides (and maybe even grooms) about how to keep your sanity and stay grounded as you plan your wedding. I feel like most of the books I've seen out there are either just about planning, are satirical or serious etiquette books, or are about how to be happy in your marriage. The book I'd want to write would have elements of all those books, but really be focused on how you can stay true to yourself in your wedding planning, and use the process as an opportunity for self-discovery.

It sounds kinda new-agey and sentimental, but it's really true--I've learned a lot about myself and about H., and about our relationship, over the past year of planning. It's been fun and great at times, and it's been draining and even emotionally painful at other times, but it's always been a revealing process.

Wish us luck--we'll need it as we wind down to the big day!

And the Drama Continues to Unfold...

The whole wedding guest-list thing is a bit too stressful for me right now. I really wish I could invite everyone and anyone to my wedding, and be able to pay for it and not worry that my Auntie So-and-So who's known me since I was in my mother's belly would have her seat usurped by some random friend-of-a-friend that's crashing the party. Call me old-fashioned, but I really think we need to pay more respect to our elders, and I really think that women who used to change my diapers should get precedence over people whose first names I don't know when it comes to attendance at my wedding.

That said, I'm trying to continue to be gracious and understanding and sympathetic, but it's all a bit trying. The RSVP deadline past three weeks ago and we're still waiting for some people to respond. Sigh. At this point, I'm just assuming people who haven't responded aren't coming. I figure I shouldn't need to chase people down to ask them if they're coming to my wedding. And hey, there's some ledges on the patio outside the reception hall that people can always lean on if they show up un-RSVP'd and we don't have room for them.

Honestly, I can't wait 'til our wedding day. Partially because I want to get all dressed up and pretty and I want to have the big party and I want to see H. in his new suit (I'm not seeing his outfit 'til the ceremony and vice versa) and I want to see all these people from different parts of our lives all in the same room together. And it's partially because i just want all the pre-wedding planning, detail-obsession, weird potential or real friend/family-drama, and stress to be over. Over, over, over! I can see why some women wig out and become so-called 'Bridezillas'. And I think it's also really unfair and sexist to target and label women that way and at the same time put so many expectations on them to have perfect weddings, know and practice good etiquette as if they were born with the text of Miss Manners' books burned into their brains, be gracious and charming and pretty all the time, and be happy every minute that they're engaged or in the process of getting married. Having had a friend imply that I was acting Bridezilla-ish myself, I think it's a totally f**ked-up way to stereotype women who just want to have a nice wedding.

Granted, I haven't watched the TV show and I'm sure there are women who are super over-the-top about their wishes and needs on their wedding day. But I'm far from being a high-maintenance bride myself. I'm not paying thousands of dollars on my wedding gown. I'm doing my own makeup. My bridesmaids' dresses are sort of the same color family but I didn't dictate what they had to wear. And a friend of mine has taken charge of all the decorations with both H. and my blessing and thanks, and we're not micromanaging her at all.

I know I'm not as laid-back about it as some brides I've known, but it also is really interesting to see how much people are unwilling to involve my husband in the process of talking about the wedding, despite the fact that we have a very egalitarian relationship and he's much more involved in wedding planning than many men. I've had people--mostly progressive women of color, too, I might add, who probably consider themselves staunch feminists--ask the most basic questions about our wedding and look straight at me while my husband-to-be stands right next to me, and act like he doesn't exist or at least could never know the answer to a question like, 'What colors are you using for your wedding?' I want to say, "Um, he's getting married too" or "He designed the frickin' invitations!" It's so fascinating and irritating how much people want to focus on the bride.

But enough ranting for now. I think I'm going to give myself a little break tomorrow from doing anything wedding-related. We're on a good roll--H. has really stepped up his game a lot, he's actually in the other room right now scanning old photos for our slideshow at the reception--so I think I deserve a little break. There'll be plenty to do over the weekend!

Can I Stay Away From my Spreadsheet?

I'm at a self-designed writing retreat (meaning, no externally-imposed schedule or structure, meaning I gotta keep myself on task, no mean feat) in the Santa Cruz mountains this weekend, and I'm doing my best at not letting myself spend all the time I have here doing wedding planning. I did take a peek at my wedding workbook in Excel last night (all ten tabs of it! Yes, I am a planning freak!), but I only made a few minor changes to the budget and then I put it away after a few minutes.

It does help that I don't have any internet access in my cabin and therefore can't spend time surfing the web for the perfect pair of shoes--I'm looking for ivory or silver wedge-heel, no-platform, satin heels with open toes if you know of any nice pairs that cost less than $100--or jewelry--something with pearls.

It's a good thing. I need to get my writing done. It feels good too. And when I go back home in a couple days, the wedding and everything that I need to get done for it will still be there, waiting for me.

Disappointment and Excitement

I wanted to blog a bit about how this wedding-planning process can be such an emotional, up-and-down roller coaster ride. The emotional stuff that has to do with my own issues about marriage, fears of commitment, high expectations of myself and my partner and family stuff was to be expected, as was the excitement around planning a big wedding and gathering all our friends and family together to celebrate with us.

What hasn't been as expected for me is having the disappointing experience of friends who've been less-than-supportive of H. and my vision of the wedding trying to impose their visions and ideas of what weddings should be on our process. Notice I said friends and not family. Our family has been surprisingly cooperative and accomodating--especially considering that H.'s father and my mother are paying for most of it--and even though they haven't been super-excited about every element of the wedding (e.g. my mom saying in a less-than-approving tone that the simple wooden chapel where we're having the ceremony looks like a 'country church'), they've pretty much held their tongues. I take that as a sign that 1) they know we're not going to change our minds even if they protest; and 2) they recognize us as adults now who can make our own decisions and, more importantly, have the right to.

It's been very disappointing to have one close friend--I won't get into details but if you're an IndieBride Kvetch member you can probably find my post there--who, I think because of stuff going on in their own life, has called me 'very self-absorbed' about the wedding planning and really stressed me out one day by trying to make us rethink some important decisions we'd made, supposedly in the name of helping us 'strategize'. Around what I'm not sure, and the advice was not only totally unsolicited but also completely unhelpful, but this friend has all but blamed me for the argument that ensued, although I tried my best to be patient and explain why we'd come to our decision. It was a fascinating experience of human nature and the clash of needs, and I hope that my friend can soon understand why we can't do it the way they wanted us to, and why their approach wasn't helpful.

It was exciting and helpful, on the other hand, to talk to other folks that are helping to plan the wedding and find out that they're not only happy with how we're moving things forward, but also down to do whatever we need them to for our wedding. These are the folks that I want to stand up for H. and I during our ceremony as our wedding party--people who know that this day truly is about our relationship and the vision we have for how we want to share this ritual with others.

I'm trying to let their excitement take me out of my frustrated and disappointed state when I think about my other friend, but it's hard. Even H. was starting to feel despondent about the wedding, telling me yesterday, 'I wonder sometimes how excited people really are about our getting married.' That made me really sad, and so I shared with him all the supportive words that our friends shared with me, and reminded him that at our next wedding planning meeting (we meet about once every six weeks), we'll get a nice shot of enthusiasm and support from our crew.

So please send positive, uplifting thoughts and energy our way. We're in the home stretch now and we'll need all the help we can get.

DIY vs. 'Traditional'

H. and I--and our fabulous wedding crew of 'bridesmaids' and 'groomsmen', for lack of better terminology--have been trying to plan our wedding in a fairly DIY (do-it-yourself) way. H., a graphic designer and DJ by training and background, is designing our wedding invitations, fairly elaborate affairs involving ribbon, 'matchbook'-style cover and multiple inserts, as well as pulling together all the musical elements of the event. I have worked as a professional event coordinator and my attention-to-detail-meter is so scary that I created a 12-tab Excel spreadsheet to track everything from the invite list to the menu to the budget to the tasks/timeline. I also wrote the wedding party processional order during a moment of inspired compulsiveness when I was waiting for the bus a couple months ago.

So we are definitely lucky to have these skills, both from a budget perspective (people spend craploads of money on invitations and DJs/sound equipment, and we'll have custom-designed invitations and at least three DJs for less than $1,000 for everything) and from a quality control perspective. I also know that there are cheaper and more fun alternative ways to do just about everything--like hiring our own waitstaff so that we can completely control our dinner menu for the reception and keep the per-person food costs down to as little as $15, including drinks! Or like researching the cutty, out-of-the-way halls and ceremony sites that only locals know about but that cost a fraction of what the 'popular' wedding venues cost (we're paying about $1,000 for both the ceremony and reception venue combined). But a lot of people who don't have experience planning events, working with vendors and organizing multiple volunteers and paid staff for a project like this just wouldn't know that so many cool options exist. Or, they do know and they just don't have the time or inclination to deal with it, so they hire someone like me to do it for them. (And believe me, after going through this wedding planning process, I am very much considering hiring myself out as a wedding coordinator! Not only is there some good money to be made but also many brides' nervous breakdowns to prevent).

So from where we sit, it's fascinating to see how the wedding industry, which is an $86 billion industry in the US alone, plays to people's lack of these skills and knowledge by making brides especially feel that in order to have a really fabulous wedding you need things like a wedding coordinator (upwards of $40/hour), a wedding web site (can cost $50 a month!), letterpress invitations (literally thousands of dollars) and of course, a fabulous dress ($1,000 for a bridal gown is considered 'budget' by most wedding web sites and magazines). I rail a lot on this web site about how the 'bridal industry' pushes this image of an ideal wedding that, oh yeah, happens to cost upwards of $40,000. And I rail against it because I find myself falling for some of their tchotchkes and gimmicks. ("Oh, sweetie, let's get a personalized silk-flower heart-shaped banner that says 'Just Got Hitched' for our limousine for when we leave the ceremony site!"). It's fascinating to observe and experience my own inner little girl getting giggly and swoony over things like letterpress place cards ($200) or heart-shaped personal mini-fondue set wedding favors ($24 each, which would mean over $3,500 for our wedding of 175 guests!).

Don't worry, we're not actually BUYING any of these things, but as a self-confessed marketing sucker, I do admit that the constant bombardment via email, wedding web sites, and yes even junk snail mail of cutesy, adorable wedding trinkets starts to wear down even this hardcore DIY bride. Fortunately, H. and I don't have the kind of flexibility in our wedding budget that would allow us to seriously entertain any truly frivolous expense, so you won't find me making an impulse buy of Lord of the Rings champagne flutes anytime soon.

And that is a damned good thing.

And Away We Go!

H. and I had our first planning meeting today over brunch with our fabulous crew of friends who are going to be in the ceremony and help us make the big day happen. I feel so blessed to have such an amazing group of people in our lives and helping us plan our wedding. And if this first brunch is any indication, our wedding's going to be a blast! We had some yummy food--homefries, veggie and maple chicken sausages and scrambled eggs with spinach--cooked by H. to perfection, then we did some fun story-sharing about how we'd all met each other and then we did some brainstorming and planning. THEN, my good friend A., by request, did an impromptu salsa dance lesson, which surprisingly everyone participated in. It was so much fun and totally reflected me and H.'s values: music, friendship, good food, dancing and just a generally grand time had by all.

Here's a picture of the impromptu salsa lesson:


And what a talented and connected group of folks this is: my other friend AR can get us a hookup on a digital projector which we'll use for a slideshow and even offered to help GROW some flowers so we wouldn't have to buy as many for the wedding; MR is the decorations and flower diva; two friends named A. are helping to settle on a reception venue (see my earlier panicked post), and everyone pitched in to help do our Save the Date postcard mailing. A. and N.'s new Baby K. (all of four months old!) made us all coo and smile with his cute lil' self as well.

And of course I was the event coordinating queen and had easel pad paper up to help us all with the planning structure (I can't help myself, I love event planning!):




We had a great time and look forward to more meetings like this one--where we can really be ourselves and have others help us visualize and manifest our wedding in meaningful and fun ways. Being around our friends today made me realize how lucky H. and I are, and how amazing our life already is, and how amazing it will be post-September 20. Blessed indeed.