A Few Precious Images

Sadly, I don't have very many wedding photos right now, as our photographer is still editing the (undoubtedly) thousands of pictures he and his wife snapped that day, and while I totally understand that I have been jonesing for some photos to help me relive our big day. So here are a few (unfortunately low resolution) images to tide me over 'til we get the 'real' ones that we paid for. Enjoy!



This is H. and I sitting during the ceremony, not sure which part. That's his father in the background (everyone who hadn't met H.'s father before was saying how much they look alike. I think it's cute and says a lot about the power of parenting that H. loves to wear hats like his dad too!)



My friends at CFJ wanted to see my shoes! My co-worker C. is especially a big shoe-diva.


This is me with friend Yvonne, who took these photos. Thanks Yvonne!

(Nearly) At the End of One Long Road...

So as you've probably figured out by now if you can read that countdown meter to the left, the wedding has come and gone. If I sound a little down or sad about it, I am a little. I think I'm experiencing a bit of post-event depression, a phenomenon explained to me by the first event planner extraordinaire that I'd ever worked with, Ali Vogt, who has organized countless fundraising events, conferences and other special days for nonprofits in the Bay Area. Basically, once a big event is over, one that you've spent your life working on for the past several months or more, you feel kind of depressed because the one big exciting thing that was stressing you out and getting you up every day and injecting all this fun and adrenaline into your daily life is, well, over.

The wedding itself was beautiful and amazing and definitely fun. It was so cool to look out from where we stood in the middle of the audience at the wedding chapel--it's a round structure with the altar on a raised dais in the middle...



and when we stood in the middle and looked out a the small sea of familiar faces, some not seen for years, of family, friends, colleagues, etc. it was really moving and beautiful. Same thing when we were at the wedding reception and I looked out at all the people we love in our lives, sitting together and eating and laughing and drinking and having a great time. That, for me, was one of the best parts of the wedding. Just being able to bring folks together like that is one of the reason people seem to love weddings so much! More than one of my friends called it a reunion, because they got to see so many people from college or wherever for the first time in a long while.

Of course, there were things that didn't go well or as I wanted. I didn't get to take portraits with my bridesmaids because H. hadn't communicated to our friend who was helping the photographer organize people what her job was. I'm still sad and emotional about that one--it's not like I can recreate that day and how gorgeous we all looked in our dresses and makeup and hairdos on the fly--but I know I'm going to have to let it go. H. owned up to his part in that fiasco, which I'm grateful for. Our event staffer (whose link I have now removed from my blog) ended up being pretty incompetent--my plate of food at the reception was cold and didn't have any rice on it, and they didn't cut the cake as they'd said they'd do until being prodded by one of my friends, and by then a lot of people had just started going up and cutting the cake themselves! And that was just the tip of the iceberg. The lead event staffer, Gina, was rude to my friends, and had the gall afterwards to tell me that my friends were rude to her! I may have even tried to see her side of things except for the one friend that she had the worst time with, supposedly, happens to be one of the sweetest and least temperamental people I know, which means that Gina must have been pretty awful to work with to get my friend that upset in the first place.

But for the most part my guests at least didn't notice all those little things that weren't happening well. They ate up the lechon (whole Filipino roasted suckling pig), which was a site to behold (I promise to post pictures later), and they enjoyed the slide show and all that. I was surprised and at first a little disappointed that they didn't clink their glasses more than a couple times to get us to kiss, but hey, every wedding has its own character and its own story and i've always thought that glasses-clinking thing was a bit cheesy.

Our friends were great and very helpful. We were so blessed to have such a beautiful and supportive crew of friends working with us. I was also very fortunate to have my two 'Jersey sisters' as they call themselves---my father's daughters whom I met for the first time last year--at the wedding, hanging out with me and helping me with my dress, driving H. and I to the reception, and generally just filling in as needed which was awesome and super-helpful.

And lastly, of course, the actual 'wedding' part--exchanging vows with H. was touching and fun and totally US--we both wrote our own vows and then read a short set of vows at the same time as we exchanged rings. Especially funny was the fact that H. mistakenly started reading my vows at first because our officiant handed him what she thought were his vows (they were mine). We had a funny moment where I stopped him, took my vows gently from his hands, and made a goofy apology to the audience who all laughed good-naturedly. He then read his real vows which were poetic and sensitive and loving and beautiful, just like him. And then I read mine (I have to admit it felt more like a performance in some ways, and H. and I read them again to each other later in private to have that intimate moment alone), and they were funny and telling and passionate, as I think I am.

I can't wait for the photos to come out! Our photographer, Hasain Rasheed, and his assistant and wife, Joanna, were awesome! Ultra-professional but down-to-earth (my mom thought they were friends of ours, that's how easily they blended into the wedding), helpful and totally not invasive, and they snapped pictures constantly, so I expect that we'll have lots of good photos to choose from. It's kinda weird not to have any significant documentation of such a significant day in our lives right afterwards, but we were both expecting to have to wait a while to get photos and video (thanks to our friends A. and B. for putting together video for us!), it's just that I didn't expect to feel so excited and anxious about seeing the photos right afterwards. I'll post some photos as soon as I get them.

Now we just have to finish writing all our thank you notes and dealing with the gift-checks that say "payable to: Mr. and Mrs. Henry Liu' (I'm not changing my name). It's the end of one long road, yes, but the real test, of course, is the long road ahead.

(Probably Not-So) Final Thoughts Before the Big Day

I didn't think I'd be able to blog one more time before the big, 'real' wedding day, but my unwanted habit/disposition towards being an insomniac the night before a major event I'm coordinating has got me sitting at my laptop at almost 3am after tossing and turning and getting only a few minutes' sleep.

No, I'm not enjoying being awake, but when I can't sleep it usually means I need to get something off my chest or out of my hand or out of my head before I can truly relax, and rest. And on this particularly special and unique night, before I can let go and let other people take care of all the myriad details and planning nuances of one of the most high-profile days of my life.

This 'letting go' is no mean feat for me. I'm a total Type-A, perfectionist, near-workaholic independent, modern woman. I pride myself on getting shit done, on accomplishing things, on checking off all those tasks on my to-do list. This gives me a sense of identity, purpose and responsibility. It makes me feel important. Thus, having friends or others tell me to let go and let them do things for me--as much as intellectually I appreciate their sentiment and generosity--is one of the hardest things for me to do. For what am I if I'm not frantically getting things done and checking off my to-do list? Who am I if I'm just relaxing and not accomplishing? What the hell am I supposed to do--just SIT there?

Well, being the bride is not just about 'sitting there', of course. I have to also look pretty, smile, maybe shed a few sincerely felt tears of happiness, and be gracious to all my guests. I have to be sweet and happy to be holding my partner's hand. I must let go and let others take care of me.

The fact that I am still up at 3am writing this after my wedding party---a beautiful, competent, brilliant lot of friends if there ever was one--told me to leave the reception hall at 10pm tonite so I could rest while they finished up all the preparations tonite, says a lot about my difficulty with letting go. H., my fiance/husband, is fast asleep--he can knock out so quickly it still shocks me. And now I'm worrying about having puffy eyes tomorrow and ruining the awesome job that my esthetician did with my facial the other day, and am SO glad that I got that Bobbi Brown concealer to cover up any dark circles under my peepers.

So yes, letting go is hard for me. I keep obsessing over whether my wedding crew will know which table cloths go on which tables--it's more complicated than it sounds--or over whether I'll have enough time to finish packing my day-bag of goodies (makeup, perfume, extra bobby pins, etc.), or whether I'll forget something important like my vows! All these details have a part of me wondering why H. and I chose to take on this huge wedding task in the first place.

But then I think about how, even tonite at the ceremony rehearsal, my mom started crying when we practiced the parents' blessing. And how the children who helped practice the children's blessing tonite were so excited to be handing us pretend flowers, and how sweet it felt to give them each a hug after they did. And I think about how cool it's going to be to see all our friends and family gathered in one place, how cool it was to see my sisters and my bridesmaids and my mom and my other friends all together tonite at the reception hall for the decorations-making party, hanging out and working together, eating pizza, having fun.

And while that makes me feel better and more excited, unfortunately it only makes my insomnia worse! Because I get so excited about tomorrow (which is now really today), that I feel like a little kid on Christmas Eve who can't get to sleep because Santa Claus is coming.

So I guess it's time to practice some self-parenting and tell myself that Santa won't come if I don't go to sleep. Plus, a bride with puffy, dark bags under her eyes is not a pretty site to behold. Let's hope my vanity gets the best of me, just this one time.

Bridezilla Here I Come!

I've decided that, in the grand tradition of radical political and cultural activists of color, queer people, etc. who have decided to reclaim the derogatory names that were once used to shame them (e.g. 'fag' or 'dyke' or the N-word), I am going to embrace the title 'Bridezilla'. Not because I think my needs are the only ones that matter on my wedding day--far from it, I've consulted my groom and probably way too many other people about how we should do things and where and why, etc.--but because I truly believe that Bridezilla has come to define and label and target and villify any woman who wants her wedding day to be special, and is willing to go the extra mile to make that happen.

I've already been called 'Bridezilla' by a friend who escalated an argument with me because of a misunderstanding that happened to occur at a particularly stressful period in my wedding planning, when I think I had every right to set a boundary with said friend in order to protect my sanity--in other words, to keep myself from giving in to a request that one person was making without taking into account my needs or my husband-to-be's needs. I've been casually, jokingly called Bridezilla by acquaintances whom I don't think really know how loaded of a word that is, because they asked how the planning was going and I said that I was a bit stressed out about it.

So, damnit, if that's what people are going to define as a 'Bridezilla'--a woman who knows what she wants, and who refuses to let her needs for one of the most important and high-profile days of her life be trampled on by people who can barely know what it feels like to be in her shoes, or a woman who admits to feeling stressed out by the intense work that goes into planning a full-day, 150+ person event--then, yes, I am a Bridezilla! And proud of it.

Really, I'm a Bridezilla in everyday life--a perfectionist, a high-achiever, someone who goes above and beyond the call of duty to perform well for my organization, to help my friends, and to improve my community. But for some reason, when I apply those same standards of excellence and performance to the planning of a day intended to celebrate my relationship with my life partner, all of a sudden I'm a Bridezilla. Odd, isn't it? When I'm doing all those things to help fulfill other people's needs, to take care of the payroll for my staff, or organizing a social justice conference, or what have you, then I'm a fundraising-event-coordination-rock-star-goddess.

But far be it for me to be perfectionist or stressed out about my wedding. Then I'm being a Bridezilla! Is there something wrong with this picture?

So be it then. Bridezillas of the world unite! And I'd lay money on it that there are grooms out there who are just as perfectionistic as their brides about their wedding desires. I know H. has been more picky about certain aspects of the wedding than I have. Funny, though, there's no male equivalent of the word 'Bridezilla' as far as I know.

Kind of reminds me of how there isn't really a good male equivalent for another 'B-word' that we all know and love.

OMG!! Eleven days!

It seems like the time is going by even faster now that the wedding is so close. Wasn't it just six months out just a few days ago? Now all the things I put off doing because they didn't seem that urgent are coming to bite me in the ass, like the accessories for the Filipino cord and veil ceremony which I really want to make sure we incorporate into the wedding, the only truly 'traditional' part of our otherwise spiritually and ritually eclectic ceremony. I could've bought this stuff months ago, and indeed started looking about a month ago for the veil, but got sidetracked by other, more pressing issues and thus this task got left to the bottom of the barrel. Sigh. I think we found our solution though, thanks to the Silk Road fabric store in downtown Oakland which thankfully has a beautiful selection of wedding-worthy fabrics, and is open 'til 7pm while every other fabric store (besides the kinda trashy and too-craft-oriented Joanne Fabrics in Emeryville) seems to close at 6pm--kinda hard to get to if you actually work for a living from 9-5! We're going to see if our amazing tailor, Isaac from San Francisco Tailors on Geary Blvd. near Union Square, can work his magic for us and hook us up with some finished edges on the poly-blend, embroidered organza we bought.

And I think I'm going to just go ahead and bite the bullet and buy the cord at MyBarong.com, which specializing in Filipino barongs (formalwear for men and women too sometimes) and thankfully has a nice cord for sale for less than $10.

Keep us in your thoughts and prayer and send positive energy our way! I need every bit of it now that we're really down to the wire.

Three Weeks Left!

I was looking at our wedding web page and saw that we only have 23 days left until the big day! I can't believe it. We're fairly on track with all of our preparations--I gotta say, ordering food for our buffet dinner reception from Chinatown is super-convenient, affordable and fairly hassle-free (so far!)--and I'm picking up my dress next week. I haven't had any major meltdowns, and I've even come up with some potential new career options, learned that putting on makeup can be fun and not ruinous to my skin (more on this in a future blog post hopefully), and realized who my true friends really are.

Not bad side-consequences of planning a big wedding! I even think that maybe someday I'd like to write a book for brides (and maybe even grooms) about how to keep your sanity and stay grounded as you plan your wedding. I feel like most of the books I've seen out there are either just about planning, are satirical or serious etiquette books, or are about how to be happy in your marriage. The book I'd want to write would have elements of all those books, but really be focused on how you can stay true to yourself in your wedding planning, and use the process as an opportunity for self-discovery.

It sounds kinda new-agey and sentimental, but it's really true--I've learned a lot about myself and about H., and about our relationship, over the past year of planning. It's been fun and great at times, and it's been draining and even emotionally painful at other times, but it's always been a revealing process.

Wish us luck--we'll need it as we wind down to the big day!

And the Drama Continues to Unfold...

The whole wedding guest-list thing is a bit too stressful for me right now. I really wish I could invite everyone and anyone to my wedding, and be able to pay for it and not worry that my Auntie So-and-So who's known me since I was in my mother's belly would have her seat usurped by some random friend-of-a-friend that's crashing the party. Call me old-fashioned, but I really think we need to pay more respect to our elders, and I really think that women who used to change my diapers should get precedence over people whose first names I don't know when it comes to attendance at my wedding.

That said, I'm trying to continue to be gracious and understanding and sympathetic, but it's all a bit trying. The RSVP deadline past three weeks ago and we're still waiting for some people to respond. Sigh. At this point, I'm just assuming people who haven't responded aren't coming. I figure I shouldn't need to chase people down to ask them if they're coming to my wedding. And hey, there's some ledges on the patio outside the reception hall that people can always lean on if they show up un-RSVP'd and we don't have room for them.

Honestly, I can't wait 'til our wedding day. Partially because I want to get all dressed up and pretty and I want to have the big party and I want to see H. in his new suit (I'm not seeing his outfit 'til the ceremony and vice versa) and I want to see all these people from different parts of our lives all in the same room together. And it's partially because i just want all the pre-wedding planning, detail-obsession, weird potential or real friend/family-drama, and stress to be over. Over, over, over! I can see why some women wig out and become so-called 'Bridezillas'. And I think it's also really unfair and sexist to target and label women that way and at the same time put so many expectations on them to have perfect weddings, know and practice good etiquette as if they were born with the text of Miss Manners' books burned into their brains, be gracious and charming and pretty all the time, and be happy every minute that they're engaged or in the process of getting married. Having had a friend imply that I was acting Bridezilla-ish myself, I think it's a totally f**ked-up way to stereotype women who just want to have a nice wedding.

Granted, I haven't watched the TV show and I'm sure there are women who are super over-the-top about their wishes and needs on their wedding day. But I'm far from being a high-maintenance bride myself. I'm not paying thousands of dollars on my wedding gown. I'm doing my own makeup. My bridesmaids' dresses are sort of the same color family but I didn't dictate what they had to wear. And a friend of mine has taken charge of all the decorations with both H. and my blessing and thanks, and we're not micromanaging her at all.

I know I'm not as laid-back about it as some brides I've known, but it also is really interesting to see how much people are unwilling to involve my husband in the process of talking about the wedding, despite the fact that we have a very egalitarian relationship and he's much more involved in wedding planning than many men. I've had people--mostly progressive women of color, too, I might add, who probably consider themselves staunch feminists--ask the most basic questions about our wedding and look straight at me while my husband-to-be stands right next to me, and act like he doesn't exist or at least could never know the answer to a question like, 'What colors are you using for your wedding?' I want to say, "Um, he's getting married too" or "He designed the frickin' invitations!" It's so fascinating and irritating how much people want to focus on the bride.

But enough ranting for now. I think I'm going to give myself a little break tomorrow from doing anything wedding-related. We're on a good roll--H. has really stepped up his game a lot, he's actually in the other room right now scanning old photos for our slideshow at the reception--so I think I deserve a little break. There'll be plenty to do over the weekend!